I had a good run over at Saving Throw to Disbelieve, but *this* is home to me. I am Mandi Kaye, so it’s just not right for me to not be writing here (not that I was writing over at STtD – but it is chock full of YouTube-y goodness).

Check back soon and often to see what’s going on in the scary place that is my mind!

I read The Friendly Atheist, and last week he mentioned a local meetup group of atheists, agnostics, freethinkers, and humanists so I thought I’d check it out. It turned out they had a meetup set for today at the NC Art Museum, and since I’d been wanting to go there anyways, I thought it would be a good idea.

I’m really glad I went. I met some really nice folks and we all had lunch afterwards at Bear Rock Cafe. The museum was fun, and I’d love to go back with someone who appreciates art a little more. Not that these guys don’t, but we spent more time talking and making jokes about the art than really admiring it.

All in all, it was a good day, and I look forward to hanging out with them again.

My mom: I hurt.

Me: If I had a head that looked that that, I’d hurt too!

The 10 year old: But you do!

BAZINGA! Yes, I got bazinga’d by a 10 year old.

I did, however, get accepted to grad school. I’ll start working on my MS in Library Science this fall. So exciting!!

I’ve been spending a lot of time down in Gastonia, NC. I have a very good friend who lives there, and he and I have been enjoying each other’s company. It’s been rough on my parents, thinking about their little girl spending weekends at some man’s house, but they handled it far better than I expected.

Overall, I’m happy. I still need a job, but I believe it will come.

Who knows? All I know is that I’ve lost 8″ so far and that’s pretty darn incredible!

• Weight (pounds): -2.5
• Inches: -3
• Body fat: -0.1%

And while the scale hasn’t reflected any changes yet, I can see parts of my body firming up. My thighs are less flabby and there’s the beginnings of muscle tone in my biceps.

This is awesome. I’m so proud of myself.

I spent a couple of days languishing over the idea of returning to the church when it hit me – it was only when I was talking to someone who I would be closer to if I were a Christian again that I really felt the emotional tug. When I was alone with my own thoughts and minding my own business, God was nowhere to be found. The need or want for God was gone.

Why do we look for things outside of our own lives to give us fulfillment? It seems simpler and easier to use something like religion to fulfill our lives because it’s all readymade and tied up with a little bow. There are lists and rules and programs already in place so that we don’t have to look within ourselves to figure out who we are and what we want.

There are far too many people, including myself, who have never taken the time or effort to find their own sense of fulfillment in their lives. I’ve always relied on my pre-fabricated bubble to give me everything I thought I needed in my life. And when times get tough, I fall back into the familiar.

So here’s to finding real fulfillment within yourself in 2010.

Cheers!

Turns out, it was because I was a Christian and it freaked him out.

The thing that has me reeling? Now he’s a hardcore Christian. I told him it was funny that now he’s the guy I wished he was all those years ago and he agreed that now I’m the girl he wished I was all those years ago. Still opposite ends of the spectrum. Just reversed.

And it’s mind boggling.

I’m totally reeling here. Partially from the change. Partially from us just picking back up as if we’re the greatest of old friends and chatting for a few hours. And partially from the God talk.

Tears have welled up several times in the last few hours. Some were because there was an instant realization that I’d had no idea I still missed him after 9 years; some were from the God talk.

When people get evangelical on me, it generally results in tears. It makes my heart hurt. I don’t exactly know what that means. Some of you will say it’s nostalgia – longing for familiarity. Some of you will say it’s God.

I don’t know what it is.

All I know is it creates one of the most intense longings I’ve ever felt, and it’s easier to not talk about it and push it away and ignore it than to try and deal with it.

Yet… here I am writing about it.

No, not literally. My vocal capabilities are as good as they’ve ever been.

But I have lost my voice.

When I started this blog nearly four years ago, it was because I had something to say. When I was a Christian, I had an identity. A mission. A cause.

A voice.

I had things to say that mattered. People listened to me when I spoke (or wrote).

It felt good.

That voice is gone. And it’s never coming back. And I have to wonder if another will take its place or if I’m destined to remain silently unnoticed.

It took me 23 years to get the voice I had as a Christian. Will it take another two decades before I have another?

What if I never recover?