I read this today, and it was like a good slap in the face.

Stop striving! Stop trying to earn what you already have! You’re making yourself tired by taking on guilt and shame that aren’t yours to carry.

Why are you so afraid to be still and silent before me? Why do you use my Word as an escape from really experiencing me? I love you! You have the rightto come before me, to sit at my feet and listen as I reveal myself to you. Yes, you will learn things about yourself as well, but you don’t need to fear that. There will be conviction, but there will be no condemnation. I know that you will fall; I’m not asking you to be perfect; I’m asking you to be obedient. Know that I willpick you up when you fall. There is only grace and forgiveness here. I’m holding your hand, and I will never let go.

There will be celebration here as well. Have you looked back to see how far you’ve come? Or are you just looking at how far there still is to go? You are different; you have been growing. You have followed me across an ocean to a new country, a new culture. You have stepped out in faith not knowing what it was I was calling you to. You are no longer the cowering child who clung white-knuckled to whatever mad you feel safe and comfortable. You are a woman of faith who has walked out onto that tightrope, holding on to nothing, but trusting that I would not let you fall. Your footing is sure—I will establish your steps as you move forward.

Look at you, my child! You are no longer paralyzed by sin and guilt and shame. You are no longer hiding your struggles, but you are choosing to be open and honest and vulnerable with the people around you. You have taken steps to flee from the temptations that would bring you into bondage again. You are seeking out the lies and strongholds so they can be destroyed and replaced with Truth. You are choosing to act like the person you are. I will bless you in that.

And yes, there is still much to work on. There are lies to be uprooted and truths to be planted. You must continue to learn patience. There are things you hold onto too tightly, making them idols. You are still too dependent on people and relationships, forsaking the most important relationship. We will continue to work on all these things, but we will work in a context of love and grace and forgiveness.

I love you! My love is beyond your comprehension, but I will reveal it to you in every moment of every day. I will open your eyes to it; you will see how I am romancing you. You are my beloved, and I will seek you out so I can love you fully, intimately, passionately. I alone can fulfill you, and I will. You are my darling, my precious one. You are beautiful to me. I cannot begin to define your infinite worth. You are the apple of my eye. I paid the price of my Son’s life to purchase you to be my bride… that’s how much you are worth to me. And your worth comes from nothing you have done or will do.

It comes from the simple fact that you are my creation and because I choose to love you. Stop trying to earn my love! You already have it. And it is a steadfast love that never changes; I love you as much in this moment as I did before you were born, as much as I did when you were in bondage to sin, as much as I will tomorrow, as much as I will when you finally stand physically in my presence.

Yes, I am healing your heart. I will make it whole again. I forgive you for taking it from me and giving it to someone else. I want you to trust me to hold it, to keep it safe until I choose to give it to someone else. I know what you need, and I’ve already provided what you needed most. Trust me with this, too.

You should come to me more often. Let yourself really spend time in my presence. Choose to be quiet and still so I can talk to you and be heard. I want you to take the time to talk to me; I want to hear what is on your heart. But I want you to take the time to listen as well; I want you to hear what is on my heart. Let this be a conversation rather than a monologue. Ask questions, but listen for the answers. Be honest with me. I know what you’re thinking and feeling anyway, so why try to hide it? I want a relationship with you, and we can’t have a good one if you won’t talk to me, if you won’t listen to me. Oh, and don’t leave me behind when you go about your day. I’m right there with you. Be aware of my presence. Talk to me. Ask me for help and guidance. I promise I’ll respond.

Let our times together change you. Don’t walk away thinking, “That was nice.” Let each conversation build on the one before. Walk away with some new goal in mind. I’m working in you—I’m trying to renew your mind; I’m trying to transform you into the image of my Son. Make my job easier by cooperating. Allow me to change you. I love you as you are, but I also love you enough not to let you stay that way.

These words really affected me today. Tears came to my eyes as I read them. I needed this.

Categories: Faith, Personal | No Comments »

I’ve said this before, and even though it’s incredibly cliche, I’ll say it again. It’s like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.

Has the snickering stopped yet?

People who have seen me struggle with faith over the last several months keep asking me why it is that I have chosen to remain true to my faith. What is it about God that makes me continue to believe?

I’m sure that to some of you, my continued acceptance of God has more to do with my upbringing than anything else, but I’m going to have to disagree. It’s easy, of course, to say that I believe because I was raised to. I was. There’s no disputing that fact. But my views of faith, Jesus, and God now look nothing at all the way they did when I parroted some country preacher’s version of Christianity.

I believe in God now, not because someone told me to, but because in the middle of all of the chaos and horrors of the world, I just know in my core that there’s something bigger and better than anything this world has to offer.

I believe in God because I honestly don’t see a reason for any sort of hope without God.

I believe in God because I’ve talked to Him. He’s talked to me back. I’m reminded of a bumper sticker I saw yesterday: “Why is it that when we talk to God it’s praying, but when He talks back we get sent to the loony bin?” I can hear the loud guffaws from those of you who think that I’m hearing strange voices, but that isn’t how it works. When I say He talks back, I don’t mean that I literally hear the audible voice of God. I mean that a sense of peace and wonder and awe consume me. Just because the lines of communication are currently down (see my previous post if you’re wondering about that) doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced it before.

I believe in God because I’ve seen His power. Call it coincidence if you want to, but I’ve seen people healed – both physically and emotionally. I’ve even been healed before (No, it wasn’t a huge thing like an amputated leg growing back, but I was in a severe state of pain. I had been in severe pain for 2 years and couldn’t raise my left arm at all. Someone prayed over me and the pain disappeared during the prayer, and I had complete range of motion afterwards. It didn’t last beyond a few days, but the pain relief was very real.) I’ve seen people healed of addiction – drug addicts who accepted the power of Jesus in their life and stopped the drug use immediately with no problems. And while I acknowledge that doesn’t happen to everyone, it doesn’t change the fact that it has happened.

A few of you have mentioned before that some people may just naturally be bent towards faith. Maybe that’s true. I don’t know. What I do know is that for me, faith is just the way it is. God is there. There’s no other alternative. I find joy in my faith. For me, a life without faith is a life without joy.

There’s no specific answer for you about why I have to believe. I just do. It’s who I am. I look at the world, and I see God. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He is real. That doesn’t mean I don’t have problems with organized religion and the way people have tried to make God fit in their boxes and look the way they want Him to. I’m not talking about dogma or doctrine here. I’m talking about God, plain and simple. God is there. The rest? Well, that’s just commentary.

Categories: Faith, Personal | 15 Comments »

Radio has impeccable timing sometimes. On my way to work this morning, I was composing an email in my head (am I the only one who does that?) to my new mentor. I asked her a few weeks ago to be my spiritual mentor, and she finally agreed to it, but she posed the question to me, “But what, I wonder, would I have to offer you?  How could where I have been and what I am and where I am going be what you need?” She went on to say:

I cannot make you love Jesus.  I cannot force you to accept Him as the One who came to save you, your very own Savior.  I can’t assuage your doubts about God.  I cannot argue the validity of faith by science or philosophy.  Your inner heart is holy and private ground.  I would not presume to force anything upon you.

Isn’t she great? She closed by asking me, “But would I love to be used of God to love you into a life you love?”

So my answer to her is going to be that I need that love. I’ve got the choice down. But there’s so much of me that feels cold and hard when it comes to God. I find myself wondering if it’s too late for me. Has this period of doubt permanently banished me to a life without feeling?

And as I was thinking this through this morning – thinking how much Jeanie’s life and passion would do me good – this song by Rush of Fools came on the radio:

I’ve been here before
Now, here I am again
Standing at the door
Praying You’ll let me back in

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
You are the only one who can undo
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve become

 Uhhhh…. yeah. What they said.

Categories: Faith, Personal | 5 Comments »

As I was sitting in church yesterday, a thought occured to me.

I will never have all of the answers.

Profound, I know.

I realized that if I sit around waiting for a “Jesus experience” or a “Holy Spirit experience” or an “encounter with God” I’m probably going to be waiting for a long time. Waiting in the state of turmoil that I’ve been in for months. Setting myself up for failure.

Instead, I have to make a choice.

Will I choose life? Or death?

I choose life.

To those of you who have chosen life and still don’t believe in God – that’s a great choice for you.

For me, if I don’t choose God, then I’m choosing death. My black and white syndrome will be sure of that. I’ve overanalyzed everything so much that for me to not choose God would also mean that I don’t choose morality. I would be embracing a completely hedonistic lifestyle if I didn’t choose God.

So I choose God. I choose life. I choose faith.

This isn’t to say that I have it all figured out. I don’t. I hate religion! I hate that I don’t know all the answers. I haven’t figured out how to believe the Bible while not believing the Bible at the same time.

But all it takes is a first step.

And for me, that step is a choice.

Categories: Faith, Personal | 10 Comments »

It’s funny. I’ve always looked at myself as a very “in the middle” kind of gal. I’m a peacekeeper. It’s very easy for me to understand where someone with a completely different opinion is coming from. But this whole faith fiasco has revealed to me that I’m really a very black and white kind of girl. Everything is either/or not both/and. There’s no grey area. It’s all or nothing.

And that’s why I’ve been struggling so much.

I have the greatest mom ever. I finally talked to her about what’s going on with me. And she didn’t cry or tell me I’m going to hell. She listened. She told me she understood. And she told me that she loves me. That was the greatest thing in the world that could have happened.

In talking to her, I figured out why I’ve left myself stuck in a sort of limbo. It’s because I’m a black or white kind of girl. If I admit that I don’t consider myself a Christian, then I must be a non Christian. And I’m not ready to make that step. I don’t want to make that step. The reason I’m in all of this turmoil is because I’m a black and white kind of girl. I’ve made the case over and over again that either all of the Bible is true, or none of it is. So, naturally, when I come to the conclusion that it’s not this great inerrant and infallible book, then…none of it must be. I don’t know how to go from 25 years of all or nothing to something else. I don’t think it’s in me to. Which is why I’m stuck. I know plenty of people who make the balance between faith and reason. They see that men wrote the Bible and some of the “facts” contained within just aren’t. And their faith remains intact.

I don’t know how to do that.

I don’t like this about myself. In fact, I hate it. My whole life I’ve proudly proclaimed that “I know that I know that I know” that everything about my faith was right, true, and good. Now that I find that some of it wasn’t…

In all honesty, this is retarded. I know it is. I’ve written tons of things about how Christians really are and how Christianity is really supposed to be. I’ve managed to be the kind of Christian who made people who hated all things Christian respect and even like me. But it was all based on this belief that everything between the cover of that book was the end all be all to everything. It was all relevent. It was all fact. And once that was disproved, everything else crumbled.

What do I rebuild on? Can this all or nothing girl even rebuild her faith?

Categories: Faith, Personal | 12 Comments »