Still Reeling
Posted by Mandi on December 23rd, 2009 . Filed under: Christianity, Personal .I was completely and totally thrown for a loop tonight. Thanks to facebook, I reconnected with my ex tonight. My first ex. The one I haven’t spoken to since the night he broke up with me 9 years ago. The one I never really understood why we broke up in the first place.
Turns out, it was because I was a Christian and it freaked him out.
The thing that has me reeling? Now he’s a hardcore Christian. I told him it was funny that now he’s the guy I wished he was all those years ago and he agreed that now I’m the girl he wished I was all those years ago. Still opposite ends of the spectrum. Just reversed.
And it’s mind boggling.
I’m totally reeling here. Partially from the change. Partially from us just picking back up as if we’re the greatest of old friends and chatting for a few hours. And partially from the God talk.
Tears have welled up several times in the last few hours. Some were because there was an instant realization that I’d had no idea I still missed him after 9 years; some were from the God talk.
When people get evangelical on me, it generally results in tears. It makes my heart hurt. I don’t exactly know what that means. Some of you will say it’s nostalgia – longing for familiarity. Some of you will say it’s God.
I don’t know what it is.
All I know is it creates one of the most intense longings I’ve ever felt, and it’s easier to not talk about it and push it away and ignore it than to try and deal with it.
Yet… here I am writing about it.
December 24th, 2009 at 12:07 am
Yikes.
1- I’m very concerned with the fact you haven’t gotten over a guy you dated NINE YEARS AGO!
2- you went from hard core, crazy fundie to practically an atheist (I haven’t been around in a long while, so I’m not sure where you fit in now. Insert your current status back there, my point remains the same) in a very short period of time. Perhaps it’s time for the pedulum to swing back towards the middle? You obviously still have lots of unresolved issues regarding your crisis of faith/belief in a supernatural being/organized religion, so maybe it’s time to seriously explore that. Visit other churhes, synogogues, mosques. Learn all you can about other religions, sects, cults, etc. Expand your world view far beyond what you were ever taught or cared to know about. Search for your truth, because I don’t think you’ve found it even now.
3- Again, I’m making an assumption based on very little, but I get the feeling you’re just not happy. If this is clinical, you need to deal with that with a professional, not random commentors here. If it’s just your life circumstances, it’s time for you to grow up, find the issue, and work effing hard to fix it.
4- I don’t mean to offend, but I’m having a very similar issue with another friend of mine. Three months ago, I finally told her to stop her whining and do something about “how awful her life is.” She didn’t speak to me for about six weeks, but now she’s seeing a shrink and was diagnosed with severe depression. On the road to recovery now. Whatever the cause, it’s time for you to get on the road to recovery.
January 5th, 2010 at 5:14 pm
There’s this awesome book that I started to read, but later put it down because I became sidetracked by other books and activities. I plan to pick it up again once I finish what I’m working on.
I’d like to quote a few excerpts from the book.
The book is called The Case For Faith, and it’s written by Lee Strobel.
In the very beginning Lee interviews a man named Charles Templeton. In his youth he was a die hard Christian, and a very close friend of Billy Graham (I’m sure you know who Billy Graham is). However, he became challenged with his faith and turned from God to become agnostic, and well, Lee writes it like this:
“But soon doubts began gnawing at Templeton. ‘I had gone through a conversion experience as an incredibly green youth,’ he recalled later. ‘I lacked the intellectual skills and the theological training needed to buttress my beliefs when – as was inevitable – questions and doubts began to plague me… my reason had begun to challenge and sometimes to rebut central beliefs of the Christian faith.’”
This event occurred when he was a youth. At the time of the writing of this book, he was 83 years old, and still an agnostic.
However, near the end of the interview the discussion leads to the topic of Jesus, and who he was. It continues like this:
“‘And so the world would do well to emulate him?’
‘Oh my goodness, yes! I have tried – and try as far as I can go – to act as I believed he would act. That doesn’t mean I could read his mind, because one of the most fascinating things about him was that he often did the opposite thing you’d expect–’
Abruptly, Templeton cut short his thoughts. There was a brief pause, almost as if he was uncertain whether he should continue.
‘Uh… but… no,’ he said slowly, ‘he’s the most…’ He stopped, then started again. ‘In my view,’ he declared, ‘he is the most important human being who has ever existed.’
That’s when Templeton uttered the words I never expected to hear from him. ‘ And if I may put it this way,’ he said as his voice began to crack, ‘I… miss… him!’
With that tears flooded his eyes. He turned his head and looked downward, raising his left hand to shield his face from me. His shoulders bobbed as he wept.
What was going on? Was this an unguarded glimpse into his soul? I felt drawn to him and wanted to comfort him; at the same time, the journalist in me wanted to dig to the core of what was prompting this reaction. Missed him why? Missed him how?
In a gentle voice, I asked, ‘In what way?’
Templeton fought to compose himself. I could tell it wasn’t like him to lose control in front of a stranger. He sighed deeply and wiped away a tear. After a few more awkward moments, he waved his hand dismissively. Finally, quietly but adamantly, he insisted: ‘Enough of that.’”
The interview continues after that, but I doubt I have unlimited space here to write, hah.
I can’t recommend Lee Strobels work enough. He has a heart for God, but he writes like an intellectual probing for truth. He writes like a scientist studies. It’s a great combination, and his work was one of the cornerstones for my coming to Christ.
If I may be so bold, you are not the only one who has gone through what you’re going through now. You can call it what you will, and you can allow your reasoning to cloud your thoughts. You can spend your entire life as Charles Templeton did, turned from God and finding your own way through. But in the very end, your heart will continue to cry for only one thing, regardless of any discoveries, epiphanies, material goods, or good memories you acquire.
Oh my, I’m late for work!