Monthly Archives: December 2009

I have been seeking fulfillment in my life. That’s where my last post and the doubts/questions I had came from. Religion is my fulfillment fallback.

I spent a couple of days languishing over the idea of returning to the church when it hit me – it was only when I was talking to someone who I would be closer to if I were a Christian again that I really felt the emotional tug. When I was alone with my own thoughts and minding my own business, God was nowhere to be found. The need or want for God was gone.

Why do we look for things outside of our own lives to give us fulfillment? It seems simpler and easier to use something like religion to fulfill our lives because it’s all readymade and tied up with a little bow. There are lists and rules and programs already in place so that we don’t have to look within ourselves to figure out who we are and what we want.

There are far too many people, including myself, who have never taken the time or effort to find their own sense of fulfillment in their lives. I’ve always relied on my pre-fabricated bubble to give me everything I thought I needed in my life. And when times get tough, I fall back into the familiar.

So here’s to finding real fulfillment within yourself in 2010.

Cheers!

I was settling in for a good night’s sleep when it occured to me: I have laryngitis.

No, not literally. My vocal capabilities are as good as they’ve ever been.

But I have lost my voice.

When I started this blog nearly four years ago, it was because I had something to say. When I was a Christian, I had an identity. A mission. A cause.

A voice.

I had things to say that mattered. People listened to me when I spoke (or wrote).

It felt good.

That voice is gone. And it’s never coming back. And I have to wonder if another will take its place or if I’m destined to remain silently unnoticed.

It took me 23 years to get the voice I had as a Christian. Will it take another two decades before I have another?

What if I never recover?

This is by far the best Christmas season I’ve had in years. I’m loving being here with all of my family. It’s just… awesome.

I haven’t had a Christmas tree, nor helped put one up, in several years. So this year, it was thrilling for me to put up not one, not two, but three Christmas trees!

First, there’s mom’s:

Please forgive the poor quality – I took it with my cell phone. And with that kind of light in the background, there wasn’t a whole lot I could do.

We had a good time putting up this “Charlie Brown” tree (that’s what I call it – it’s scrawny!). She had kept all of the ornaments from my childhood. We went through them all – I got to keep about half of them and the other half we put on her tree. How nice it was to reminisce about the best Christmases we ever had.

Then we went to my Granny’s house to put up her tree.

Two years ago was the first (and only) time she put up this tree. I like it better this year than I did when she had the professionals put it up for her.

And lastly… here’s the one at our house. Covered in remnants of my childhood. My stepdad actually got choked up while we were decorating this afternoon (which of course, made me a little teary eyed myself).

I’m loving Christmas this year.