Random Musings

I’m sitting here listening to “Undo” by Rush of Fools. While I know longer feel the song tug on me the way it used to, I must admit to still loving the song. It’s good music.

But it is hard for me to listen to Christian music now because I never listened to it just for the music. I listened for the message. Now, a Christian song carries no more of a message than a country song, yet it’s tough to let go of old habits.

I heard a song today – “Pain” by Three Days Grace. And there was a lyric that struck me because it speaks exactly to my recent facebook status:

Love seems like an invitation for pain.

People agreed, but seemed to feel that it’s worth it, and that having love and then pain is better than the pain of loneliness. I answered that having felt both of them, I think I’d honestly prefer the latter. Then I heard this song that said:

I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I disagree. Logically, I understand the idea and I get why someone would say that. But going through what I’ve been through over the last year – spiritually, emotionally, and romantically – I can honestly say that after being through so much pain that I though breathing would kill me, I’d rather feel nothing at all than go through that sort of pain again. Even now I’m not over it, and if I stop to think about it too long my heart feels like it’s going to crack into a million pieces and sometimes a sob will escape beore I can stifle it. And quite frankly, there’s far worse pain out there than what I felt.

And that terrifies me.

I *barely* survived this past year. And that’s no exaggeration.

In better news, I’ve reconnected with an old friend (more acquaintance) from college whose faith journey took her through the same path of loss, heartache, and isolation that mine did. And she has rebuilt her life and is happy (at least as far as I can tell). That gives me hope, for sure. This isn’t all there is. There’s more to life than pain and numbness.