Monthly Archives: July 2009

Dance your ass off

There’s a new show on Oxygen called Dance Your Ass Off. It’s in the same spirit as So You Think You Can Dance or Dancing With the Stars, but the difference is that it’s also a weight loss competition.

I love this idea.

I don’t have cable anymore, so I’ve only seen clips here and there, and I am amazed at the confidence these women have. These women are sexy and beautiful, despite their size. And that’s a new thing for me to see.

Now the only thing I’m left wondering is… how in the hell did they pull off those splits?

Random Musings

I’m sitting here listening to “Undo” by Rush of Fools. While I know longer feel the song tug on me the way it used to, I must admit to still loving the song. It’s good music.

But it is hard for me to listen to Christian music now because I never listened to it just for the music. I listened for the message. Now, a Christian song carries no more of a message than a country song, yet it’s tough to let go of old habits.


I heard a song today – “Pain” by Three Days Grace. And there was a lyric that struck me because it speaks exactly to my recent facebook status:

Love seems like an invitation for pain.

People agreed, but seemed to feel that it’s worth it, and that having love and then pain is better than the pain of loneliness. I answered that having felt both of them, I think I’d honestly prefer the latter. Then I heard this song that said:

I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I disagree. Logically, I understand the idea and I get why someone would say that. But going through what I’ve been through over the last year – spiritually, emotionally, and romantically – I can honestly say that after being through so much pain that I though breathing would kill me, I’d rather feel nothing at all than go through that sort of pain again. Even now I’m not over it, and if I stop to think about it too long my heart feels like it’s going to crack into a million pieces and sometimes a sob will escape beore I can stifle it. And quite frankly, there’s far worse pain out there than what I felt.

And that terrifies me.

I *barely* survived this past year. And that’s no exaggeration.


In better news, I’ve reconnected with an old friend (more acquaintance) from college whose faith journey took her through the same path of loss, heartache, and isolation that mine did. And she has rebuilt her life and is happy (at least as far as I can tell). That gives me hope, for sure. This isn’t all there is. There’s more to life than pain and numbness.

Something’s Gotta Give

One subject I’ve been pondering lately is adulthood. What exactly makes one an adult? Is it simply a number? One day you’re 17 years and 364 days old and the next *poof* you’re an adult? Or is it a maturity level? If that’s the case, I know some 30 year olds who aren’t adults yet.

What really makes one an adult?

Most of the time I like to think of myself as an adult. But there are so many ways in which I still feel like a child. I’m nearly 27 and I’ve never had a significant long term relationship. I have no close friends (in real life) to speak of. I lack a lot of life experience that many seem to attribute to adulthood. But what do I have? I have a maturity level beyond my years (most of the time). I have independence. I have wisdom.

So that tells me that adulthood is really quite subjective. Our legal definition may be a *poof* solution, but in reality… adulthood is what you make it. Yet, I still can’t quite put it into words.

Can you give it a shot?

What is it I really miss?

This past week I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my lost faith. The whole conversation in my last post has really had me thinking. I’ve even been listening to Casting Crowns all day.

I miss it.

But what, exactly, is “it”?

I realized today that what I miss is connection. Community. Caring people. Feeling loved. Being a part of something.

I don’t miss faith. I don’t miss God. Or Jesus. That’s not the stuff I want back. And this drives my belief that everything I did previously was more about the people and feeling accepted than it ever was about God.

I was a part of something. A group. I was like them and they were like me.

And it turns out that the people who loved me for “being me” really loved me for being like them.

And I want it back.

There’s a lot of junk

One of the reasons I put together the page Face the Strange, detailing my spiritual journey, was for the benefit of one person who came to the game late. He hadn’t been around for the past two years, watching me rise and fall and rise again. He had questions, and he didn’t want to really speak to the issue he saw at hand until he had a deeper understanding of what I’ve gone through.

This morning I woke up to three emails from him. One long one, that was fairly harsh and completely and brutally honest and from his heart, and two shorter ones that followed up with a few nicer, toned down words that were almost apologetic in nature.

I responded immediately, telling him it would take some time for me to process his accusatory tones and blanket assumptions. He replied once more, apologizing for his tone, but not for his message.

After reading and re-reading and re-reading again, I finally think I can respond. At first I was hurt. But the deeper I reflected and the more I read, the more I realized that some of what he says is true. Some isn’t, but some definitely is. (Note: You won’t see his entire email here, I only reference his pertinent points as this is already a very long post).

Continue reading

Julie/Julia

Buying books makes me happy.

Positively, absolutely, I can feel it in my bones, happy.

And today, after work, I went to Barnes and Noble. I had a strict three book policy – but walked out with four. And as soon as I got home, I got comfortable in my pajamas and opened the cover of the first book I picked up when I walked into the store. And I didn’t stop until I finished it. Some three and a half hours later.

Julie and Julia by Julie Powell

I think this book changed my life.

It’s the memoirs of Julie. A year in the life of a married secretary at a government agency who decided, on a whim, to make every recipe in Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking (Volume 1). And she was going to make all 500+ recipes in a year.

I love to cook, so this story was right up my alley. I’m terrified to think about eating, let alone cooking, the majority of the things she described. Bone marrow sauce on steak? Calf Brains? Kidney? Liver? No, thanks. I’m not quite brave enough for that much food adventure.

But Julie was. As was her husband, Eric.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about the story just speaks to me. It speaks to me of a life I wish I had. A life I know I still can have.

Julie was twenty-nine when she began her adventure and changed her life. I’m nearly twenty-seven. The only actual similarity in our lives is our addiction to Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I’m enough of a dork that I literally squealed when I discovered her secret). At twenty-seven, I feel old. It’s ridiculous, I know. In this day and age, many people wait until their thirties to settle down and get married and have a family. But I feel as if i’m nearly thirty and my life has not yet begun.

This book was, for Julie, the story of how her life began. In her twenty-ninth year.

It gives me hope.

And… for those of you who don’t like to read (why are you reading a blog, anyways?). They made a movie.

Guess where I’ll be on August 27th?

Coming Soon

I really need to reread the Half-Blood Prince.

Looks like another movie I’ll be going to see alone!

Heaven?

Why have I not thought to try this before?

Fantastic Suggestions?

I am out of things to read! I started the Sookie Stackhouse series (the books behind the popular HBO show Trueblood), but I read two of them and don’t really feel motivated to continue reading them.

All of my YA series are caught up, and I really do need to evolve to the land of Adult fiction.

I’ve been told the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan is a good series, especially since someone is finally finishing it. Also the Mistborn series.

Any other suggestions? Obviously I’m into supernatural and fantasy stuff, but I really read most anything – except westerns!

Good Slumber is Finally Here

I bought a mattress set today. And it was delivered an hour later.

What amazing service!

Total cost, including mattress, box springs, delivery, and bed frame: $374

Total raised from amazing and generous people: $250

Really, you guys amaze me. I’ll never forget your generosity and kindness.

I’m sleeping in a bed tonight, baby!