That’s the lesson I learned last night. 2 shots of tequila, 7 shots of rum, 3 hours.
BAD BAD BAD COMBINATION.
Luckily I was at home, so I didn’t do anything too stupid. Had some online conversations that I don’t entirely remember. And was completely pathetic when a certain someone logged on to say hi. That conversation resulted in the final final final goodbye, I think. At least… that’s what he said, and that’s what my drunken hysterical crying would leave me to believe.
But how many times have we said goodbye at this point? It’s almost a joke. Except this time… this time I want it to be done. I am never going to heal if I don’t let go. And I am broken. I am completely and utterly broken. I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again, to be honest. Is it possible to heal from this level of brokenness?
I’ve pushed away everyone in my life. I have, for the most part, managed to destroy all of my irl friendships. First, when everything was happy between me and my guy. Then, when it fell apart, I withdrew. I retreated. Being around people, especially happy ones, hurt. No one understood anyways. They all wanted to pray for me. Which is fine, it helps them. But how does that help me?
So now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to go out and meet new friends. I need to. I need people in my life. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m probably moving home a lot sooner than I expected. New job, new home, new people. New me?
Due to some circumstances out of my control, I’ve been asked to move out of my current residence by the end of February. It puts me in a little bit of a pickle, since I wasn’t planning on going until the spring, but it is what it is. I could, I suppose, find a temporary furnished room somewhere here for a few months. But that’s a hassle I really don’t want to deal with. After I talk to my family some more at Christmas, I’ll have a clearer picture of what to do, I think.
In happier news, I finally found someone to design my next tattoo! It’s going to be an awesome design with a quote from Twilight worked in – Without the dark, we’d never see the stars. I can’t wait! Once I get the drawing, I’ll post it for ya’ll to see.
