I have just realized something about myself, but I don’t know what to do with this knowledge.
My life is good right now when you look at the big picture… but circumstantially, it sucks. And it has since August 10, 2008. There are good days and bad days, but overall… it sucks.
Now ordinarily, when I’m facing a situation like this, I can eventually stuff it all in until it’s forgotten about and move on. I fake it while I deal with it internally, and then I go on my merry little way.
I woke up this morning in a good mood. But then by the time I was out of the shower, I was thinking to myself how odd that I’m in a good mood and a bad mood at the same time. And I’ve been at work all day just going about my merry little way not thinking about the crap that’s been happening, so I fooled myself into thinking that I was okay.
Then I got into a conversation with a friend about something that’s going on in his life, and it triggered something apparently, because then I just absolutely broke down into tears. It was sudden and random. And it sucked.
So what I’ve discovered is this… I can bottle it up and deal with it myself, unless it involves incredible emotional attachment. But even that’s not an accurate description, because I never broke down when my step-dad decided to drop out of my life without a word, and there was definite emotional attachment there.
So perhaps my epiphany is no epiphany at all… merely a small piece of self-discovery. What I do know, is that this is a situation where I can’t just ignore it and hope it goes away. I’m stuck feeling this way until there’s some sort of resolution. Which I don’t foresee happening anytime soon.
