Monthly Archives: September 2008

It’s been 47 days since she told you she still loves you and you told me that you didn’t think we could be an us.

47 days of you still talking to me. 47 days of you giving me hope.

47 days of my heart breaking.

It’s been 47 days of me realizing everyday that what I feel for you is something I’ve never felt for anyone.

And today is the day that you walked away, so I can move on.

I love you.

This blog used to have faithful readers, because I was a faithful writer. That’s definitely changed. I doubt I have *any* readers left out there, but if I do… here’s an update on the life that is mine.

One of the reasons I don’t write here anymore is because of the biggest change that’s occurred in my life. Most of you know what that change is, and I still can’t come right out and say it publically because of the ramifications that may have regarding my place of employment. Until I’m in a position to change that, mum’s the word. Although I’m about to let caution fly to the wind!

 I’m so frustrated with people being “worried” about me because I no longer think like they do. Honestly, just because I don’t think like you doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. If I could only tell you how many times I’ve heard, “Well you can just believe…” “Well you don’t have to think…” “Well here’s what I do…”

WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK OR DO? Okay, so that’s harsh, I know. But honestly, when I come to you and tell you that I think differently, DON’T RESPOND TO ME BY TRYING TO CONVINCE ME TO THINK LIKE YOU.

LISTEN TO ME.

HEAR ME.

Don’t talk AT me.

And people wonder why I’m so isolated these days. There’s too much drama in the world. It’s like I’m a drama magnet. There’s drama going on among my friends, and honestly, I want nothing to do with it. I refuse to be caught in the middle of it, so I don’t talk to anyone about it. I refuse to choose sides.

I prefer my online life to my real life.

Although there’s been plenty of drama online in the last 6 months as well. Although most of it is gone. Now I’m left with one really complicated relationship and a lot of really good friends.

I’ve finally felt what it’s like to be in love. I’ve also, for the first time, felt the pain of heartbreak. And I’m still at the point where I refuse to let go because there’s some glimmer of hope that things will work out. I’m an eternal optimist it seems (even had one friend tell me to “be a realist, for once”).

I’m also still super homesick. I read an article in Country Magazine the other day (my granny and papa mailed me some good ole country reading last week) that featured NC, and it made me cry. Granted, I was already having a rough day, but the pictures… so gorgeous. There’s just no other state like NC. And there’s only one reason that I would be okay not living there for the rest of my days.

Hopefully I’ll be able to post more. Sometimes there are things that are just too hard to write about. Which is odd for me, because I’ve always been a little too transparent online.

Until next time…

I have just realized something about myself, but I don’t know what to do with this knowledge.

My life is good right now when you look at the big picture… but circumstantially, it sucks. And it has since August 10, 2008. There are good days and bad days, but overall… it sucks.

Now ordinarily, when I’m facing a situation like this, I can eventually stuff it all in until it’s forgotten about and move on. I fake it while I deal with it internally, and then I go on my merry little way.

I woke up this morning in a good mood. But then by the time I was out of the shower, I was thinking to myself how odd that I’m in a good mood and a bad mood at the same time. And I’ve been at work all day just going about my merry little way not thinking about the crap that’s been happening, so I fooled myself into thinking that I was okay.

Then I got into a conversation with a friend about something that’s going on in his life, and it triggered something apparently, because then I just absolutely broke down into tears. It was sudden and random. And it sucked.

So what I’ve discovered is this… I can bottle it up and deal with it myself, unless it involves incredible emotional attachment. But even that’s not an accurate description, because I never broke down when my step-dad decided to drop out of my life without a word, and there was definite emotional attachment there.

So perhaps my epiphany is no epiphany at all… merely a small piece of self-discovery. What I do know, is that this is a situation where I can’t just ignore it and hope it goes away. I’m stuck feeling this way until there’s some sort of resolution. Which I don’t foresee happening anytime soon.

There’s a line at the end of Pretty Woman, when Julia Roberts is turning down the delicious Robert Gere. He offers her convenience and practicality, but she’s not having it. She says:

I want the fairy tale.

That line has always stuck with me. Because… I want the fairy tale too. You see, I’m this hopelessly romantic person at heart. I’ve always believed that love conquers all and is completely enough. You’ve seen Moulin Rouge, right? Well, All You Need Is Love! That’s me, right there. Or at least, it always has been.

Recently, my world has been rocked. Because it turns out, love doesn’t conquer all. It’s entirely possible for two people to be in love with one another, and for various reasons not be able to be together.

It sucks.

And it completely messes with my world view.

And it leaves me wondering what to do next. I refuse - *REFUSE*  – to settle for less than love. I have the opportunity to do so, and well… see previous statement. My heart belongs to someone. Totally and completely. Am I being ridiculous to think that I’ll never be able to give it to someone else? Probably. But that’s what it feels like. I don’t possibly see how I could love another when I’ve got so much love for this one person. Perhaps it’s because this is my first love. Perhaps not.

But I’m still left thinking… I want the fairy tale.