I’m Not Okay
Jun 25th, 2008 by Amanda
My depression is back in full swing.
I used to say that if I was depressed it was because my relationship with God wasn’t where it was supposed to be.
Now, I know that’s not true. The problem is that I no longer feel as if I belong anywhere. I don’t fit in with my friends anymore. So I hole up in my room and don’t do any anything except watch Charmed on DVD and play my game. It’s too hard to try and make myself be someone I’m not.
It’s even harder to be who I am all alone.
And then there are the other issues compounding it. I’ve been called a liar, a stalker, and a whore in the past week. Last night it was “bipolar emo stalker.” All from someone who I really cared about and who has hurt me more than I ever thought possible.
So no, I’m not okay. And I don’t know how long it will be before I am again.
Amanda, I know it probably seems fairly hollow at the moment but please be assured that I will pray for you.
I’m always full of … suggestions
Research indicates that just as 30 minutes of exercise is beneficial, 30 minutes of housework can help alleviate depression as well. I use housework to help me get through stress all the time (believe me, there is plenty of stress for me to get through).
I’ve been wanting to caution you on at least some of the people you hang out with, but it was none of my business.
Although I don’t think highly of them, they are not the problem. The problem is you are seeking validation from the wrong people. Until you feel good about yourself, your life, you need to be putting stock only in the people you trust.
A note about trust, real trust comes from experience. You are not really experiencing people on the Internet. You are experiencing only a projected persona. It’s illusion. Even when they talk about you behind your back, that is not real either, just another projection to another person. There is no way to know what you trust in in this environment.
I am not suggesting that you avoid people or become so paranoid you cannot enjoy yourself, just don’t expect anything to mean anything more than a fun illusion. Don’t expect anything to be more real than the fantasy environment you are playing in.
You are a great person, very nice. You are a reliable person. People are going to want to spend time with you. I enjoy playing with you.
And there you have it, a nice long lecture. You’re a great person and I hate to see you suffering.
Thanks Rodney.
And thank you Kelly. I’m learning a lot of what you said here. I’m very used to giving of myself and trusting wholeheartedly, no matter what. This is a mistake. And I’m trying to pull back and rein it in. Unfortunately, what’s done is done and I can’t undo the trust and the pieces of myself I already gave away. That damage has already been done.
I can only learn from it and move forward, not making the same mistakes again.
I feel your pain. My depression is back too. I will pray for you, please pray for me.
Greg
http://www.mandikaye.com/2008/05/24/self-worth/
Thanks for the reminder Susan.
All I can do is what you’ve done for me when I’ve been down, and I know from experience that it’s made me feel better.
*HUG*
Praying for you, sister.