It is finished?
Apr 16th, 2008 by Amanda
Before I write anything else, I have to say that I am absolutely enamored with David Cook. If you don’t get it, listen to this song! Unfortunately, it cuts out early at the 3 minute mark even though the song is 3:54. Sorry about that, it couldn’t be helped.
Now. I think I’m schizo. I don’t mean to make light of people who truly have the disease, but I swear that something is wrong with me.
I had coffee (well I watched her drink coffee) with a good friend of mine tonight. It’s so easy to talk to her. And she’s convinced that most of my problems in life stem from self-hatred. Even my faith wishy-washiness.
And my faith is… wishy-washy. I vocalized something this week at Common Ground that I’ve been afraid to say, especially here.
My faith isn’t real. My faith is a series of actions that I do because people are watching me.
I know what you’re thinking. Not again! And no, not again. Still.
One thing my friend said to me tonight was that I shouldn’t disregard God and Jesus just because of all the things “God’s people” do. My response to her was that I’m not trying to disregard them, I finally trying to not disregard all of the stuff I’ve been taught to disregard.
When I made my choice for faith, I began going through the motions. I’ve walked the walk and talked the talk. But God, to me, is a giant void. I don’t feel God. I haven’t in a very long time. And that makes me ask if He’s there.
I know He’s there for some people. It’s evident that He’s all over my friend. But what if it’s okay that He’s not there for me? What if it doesn’t matter? What if her God is her God, and my God is… nothing?
Can I live with that? Yes, I think I can. The question is, can my friends and family live with that?
And… am I ever going to stop this going back and forth between faith and no faith?
I’m so glad you got to talk things out with Jeanie. (And I’m not jealous you got to hang out with her at all. :p )
I know you’ve been going through a dry spell so often lately. Remember, though, the presence of God you felt at the Casting Crowns concert? Remember how He moved you to show Him that He was first in your life?
I’m not sure why he’s been quiet in your life lately, but I know He loves you intensely. (I love you, too.) I’m praying He’ll show Himself to you. If you want to talk, I’m so there for you.
So, what does real faith look like? Do you have an idea that defines what that means exactly?
I’m sorry that you’re still struggling back and forth with this. I know it can be gut-wrenching trying to figure out what goes on in our own heads sometimes.
Peace be with you.
I just wrote something and forgot to put my name in so it got deleted! Ack! This isn’t as good as what I first wrote, but it will have to do.
But what really helps me when I’m feeling…uninspired is to just bring a book or something and go outside and sit in the sun. I spend some time alone and just contemplate things. I think it really helps to turn yourself outwards instead of focusing so much on the worries and the problems of the ego. Find a place that helps you let go and just…breathe.
I wish you the best.
Can you imagine how He might be missing the presence of you? Have you gone there?
You’re the revelation of the many-sided, exquisitely-colorful, variegated, multi-hued, and expressive wisdom of the God of the universe and You’re on display to change the atmospehere in the heavenlies Eph. 3). You are God’s prize and gift to the world. You are a part of Him.
And He knows your name…even if you don’t know His (Is. 45).
And He and I talk!
I am sorry if this sounds simplistic, but if there is a God shaped hole there then ask him to come back. Do not look to others to reveal him, they will and have disappointed you and they will continue to do so.
You might have to ask more then once. You might have to let God get you to that point that you are so desparate, and so lonely that nothing… no one or no thing can take the place he has wanted at the throne of your heart.
Hang in there girl. If you ever find yourself my way I would love to buy you a coffee, or whatever it is you like and listen. As long as it takes my friend!
But God, to me, is a giant void. I don’t feel God. I haven’t in a very long time. And that makes me ask if He’s there.
So, mother theresa, can i interest you in a dose of loving humanity rather than the thing that is supposed to fill a void?
As much as you are ’supposed’ to love and feel god, may I tell you that that is the way I feel about humanity and our capabilities and the possibilities we create for ourselves?
when some people live through a car or plane accident they thank god. Baffling to me! I thank safety experts and mechanical engineers, and test engineers. When people live through cancer, or AIDS or hepatitus, they may thank god. I thank doctors and biologists and microbiologists who have been working for hundreds of years to give us this ability. When people live through earthquakes without a building falling on their heads, they thank god. I thank civil engineers and architects who have been working for hundreds of years to make unbelievably strong and robust structure. We have just started! There is so much more to learn, to understand about nature, and for us to create for ourselves. we just have to focus.
I’m sorry for your loss of god. I understand it was personal to you. People are better. Maybe a new love will come.
I’m sending you that book I’ve been promising this weekend. It really gave me the positive outlook I have despite human cruelty (which is really a minority). Maybe you can review it here.
Terri - I don’t know what “real faith” looks like. Well, I guess it looks like my friend Jeanie. Except I don’t have that. But I’m to the point where I don’t really think it matters. Maybe it’s because I watched the video about the church of Oprah, I don’t know. But I’m okay with not thinking there’s only one right way.
“And that makes me ask if He’s there…”
I’m sorry that God has become a void for you. I think we all go through seasons where we just can’t “feel” Him… and that’s okay. But, we have to remember that just because we can’t feel Him doesn’t mean He isn’t there. He’s so much more than a feeling. I have a song and video by Barlow Girl that I posted just last month that has helped me to remember to trust the unseen when I have felt the distance… give it a listen. I pray God’s reassurance over your life.
http://journeyingforward.blogspot.com/2008/03/blog-post.html
“Maybe it’s because I watched the video about the church of Oprah”
I’m not sure what this means.
I only ask about the “real faith” thing because I used to have a very specific vision of what “real faith” was and who “real christians” were. A view that I mostly don’t have anymore. I have given up trying to define other people, or discern if I measure up to some very detailed image of what having real faith looks like.
I’m just wondering if you’re being too hard on yourself. I don’t know. I could be totally wrong.
Either way, I wish only the best for you.
I’m going to pray for you Amanda. I couldn’t imagine what you’re going through. Without God my life would lose all meaning. I hope your life is not that empty right now.
I appreciate the thoughts, econ grad, but I assure you my life is neither empty nor void of meaning.