Negative, Selfish, and Sad
Mar 7th, 2008 by Amanda
Warning to all who enter here (or read here): This is a bunch of personal crap that you probably don’t want to read.
How do you get over it when you realize you’ve been in love with someone for nearly 5 years? And I’m not writing hyperbolic here - I do mean in love.
This week has been a struggle for me. A big one. The sermon series at church has to do with your words. Because the words that come out of your mouth reflect the state of your heart. So I’ve been focusing on speaking words of life into people’s lives, rather than tearing them down. And while it was easy to refrain from speaking certain thoughts I had, I quickly became very cranky and moody and just plain miserable. I realize this is a huge reflection on the state of my own heart, but I need to vent. Like I need to breathe. All of these negative emotions and feelings and thoughts that I was bottling up were causing a huge strain on me. I wanted to spend the day in tears yesterday.
So I vented. To an objective third party with no vested interest who was only there to listen to me while offering no words of advice or support. And it helped. A lot.
But that has me thinking. I must be an incredibly negative person. Seriously, if not talking about the negative stuff caused that much of a struggle in less than a week something has to be seriously wrong with me.
And that reminds me of something I learned about myself a few weeks ago. I may have written about this already, I can’t remember. But essentially I discovered that when it comes to strangers, I have no problems whatsoever being a servant and sacrificial. But when it comes to my personal friends? I can’t handle it. There’s a certain point, and when I’ve reached it, that’s it. I give up and there’s nothing left (unless said friend has a genuine problem or need).
What kind of person am I?
No wonder I’m still single.
Don’t be to hard on yourself–seriously. It is good to be introspective, but don’t fret.
I do not have any sage advise, nor are you asking for any. I just hope you will continue to talk to friends and family and let them help you light the way.
Blessings,
oh…don’t go the “this is why I’m single” route. Just think of all the jerks out there who are married!
Seriously though, we all suck sometimes. Sad but true. You can only make the effort that you are already making. Don’t let the awareness of your faults overwhelm you.
The difference between what we want to be and what we actually are is sometimes vast.
May you feel God’s grace.
Amen. I’m married, and I can be as selfish as the next person. Besides, I think you’re confused about what who and what is obligated. Of COURSE you’re more willing to sacrifice for a stranger, within limits, because at the end of the day the stranger stays a stranger. They don’t get to share your personal life, and so there is really a limit to how that obligates you. And, really, there’s no sense in which the stranger is REALLY getting the upper hand. You’re consciously ALLOWING it, and this allowance doesn’t necessarily obligate you to them, or them to you. Think of the blind Jesus healed: only one came back to thank him, and (possibly) enter into relationship with him.
But your close personal relationships obligate you at all times, amd of course relationship is a two-way street. They are obligated to you, as well, and so we are less likely to accept a one-sided relationship, which is what sacrifice implies. It’s just human nature to resent an inequality in relationship.
Amanda,
Venting may be appropriate at times. Not complaining doesn’t mean never saying negative words. It just means saying them in a way that is not harmful. You and I have had some tiffs before and, instead of venting to a third person, when we go to each other and “vent” or talk about it to each other, not only are they let go, but chance can happen.
And remember that you can vent to God.
If it’s any consolation, I’m still single despite being quite a positive person…
I’m currently working in the sales team at my company, which is triggering quite a few epiphanies. One of these is: success is statistical. Just cos you’re single doesn’t mean you suck, it just means that you haven’t rolled double sixes yet in the great dice game that is life. Improving your chances of finding true love may be less a matter of being nicer and more a matter of meeting more members of the opposite sex (MOTOS). Play the odds.
Second epiphany: success breeds success. Even if you don’t end up in a relationship with any of the first ten MOTOSes you meet, chances are you’ll have a few good chats. You might make a friend. That’ll boost your self-confidence, which will affect how each MOTOS you meet in future perceives you. Success becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This may all be a load of rubbish, but it couldn’t be any less successful than my current approach. I’ll let you know how it works out.
What kind of person are you? OK-I am going to make a list and send it to you. It will includes things like: long-suffering, gentle, warm, merciful and compassionate, passionate, highly intelligent…etc.