Imago Dei

I read an article today that stated a truth that I feel to my core:

To discover grace is not to escape spiritual tribulation.

The article in question speaks of Martin Luther’s time of spiritual dryness and feelings of disconnectedness from God, in light of the recent book about Mother Teresa’s spiritual darkness.

It’s a sentiment that I can understand very well. I completely understand the statement “dark night of the soul” coined by John of the Cross in the 16th century. These past few months have truly been my dark night of the soul. I have experienced, in my life, grace. But that hasn’t been able to halt the feelings of dark desperation that I’ve felt while grasping to the edges of my faith as it seemed to slip away.

And though I’ve chosen to keep my faith - trying to rebuild it in a new way that’s completely relevant to me and completely true to Christ - I haven’t yet gotten to the place Luther did:

Luther learned from Scripture that Christians must look beyond their own experiences, feelings, and thoughts in order to contend for the faith.

The solution is to allow tribulation to drive you to prayer and Scripture and above all, to God’s promises. Luther said:

When one is possessed with doubt, that though he call upon the Lord he cannot be heard, and that God has turned his heart from him, and is angry, … he must … arm himself with God’s Word, promising to hear him. As to the when and how God will hear him, this is stark naught; place, time, and person are accidental things; the substance and essence is the promise.

My tribulation hasn’t driven me to prayer and Scripture. If anything, it’s pushed me away from it. But not for the reasons most would expect. I’m afraid. Plain and simple. I’m in a place where I don’t question or doubt the existence of God anymore. But I’m afraid that I pushed Him so far away from me that He won’t come back to me. For all intents and purposes, I truly renounced my faith this summer. I don’t think I ever did publicly, but I did in my head. And because of that choice, I’m afraid that there is no more room for me in God’s life*.

Many people have tried to convince me otherwise, and while it sounds good and well, I’m just not convinced.

*Not that God has an actual “life,” but since we’re so good at anthropomorphizing God, it works.

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