From an email I wrote today:
I have made the choice to believe. But that choice hasn’t cured my doubt. My heart still isn’t in it. I’m afraid that my heart is too hardened to go back. I feel as if I’m one of the people spoken of in Romans 1 when God gave them up to a “reprobate mind” because of their choices.. I know that can’t be true, or I wouldn’t have the desire to feel again, but what if I pushed God away for too long? What if I threw away my salvation and can never get it back?
So that’s where I am right now. Struggling to climb out of the mire. I need you, because I need to see that love that you were talking about. Your longing for God without religion is something I also seek. I was once as intense as you, but not anymore. I want it back. I need to relearn trust. I need to find my basic trust of the Lord that I’ve buried underneath all of my doubts. But I can’t walk this path alone. In reality, no individual should walk alone on their spiritual journey. Being part of the Church is supposed to mean that you are part of a community.
I’m going to reread Max Lucado’s He Still Moves Stones today. Will it help? Maybe. What I really need is to talk to God, but I…can’t. Have I forgotten how? Perhaps. I think it’s more likely that I’m afraid to go to God because I’m afraid that He won’t be there. That I’ve been such a wretch that He’s given up on me and won’t talk back. I’d rather think that’s possibly the case than actually find out it’s actually true.
I’m meditating on the lyrics to a song by Rush of Fools – Undo. Particularly the chorus (although the whole song fits me like a glove):
Turn me around
Pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of Forgiveness and Grace
I need You I need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only One
Who can undo what I’ve becomeIt’s so true. I know I can’t do it without His help. But I’m not in a position to go to Him. At least that’s how it feels.
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(((Hugs))) Me too. I guess one day at a time, as they say, huh?
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Quit telling yourself you’ve been away too long. You know in your head that there’s nothing you could do (including pushing God away) that voids His love for you. I know head knowledge and heart knowledge are two different things, but still, it’s knowledge.
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“I’m not in a position to go to Him. At least that’s how it feels.”
Remember that we are not in a position to go to him…ever. We are sinners. But Jesus Christ filled that role. You can go to him even when you feel you do not deserve or want it. God gives that Grace to us. Immense and undeserved Grace. Grace that is free to you and me if we believe.
Hang in there.
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If you’re having trouble engaging with these very personal stories of faith, have you considered trying a more academic approach? I’ve been reading William James “On the Varieties of Religious Experience”, and it has mildly blown my mind in favour of religion. I’m realising how much depth there is to religious faith that I haven’t understood before.
(Before the other atheists here start planning the Intervention: I’m not about to convert. But I have a lot more empathy with some aspects of Christianity than I did before.)
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