Monthly Archives: October 2007

My best friend and I can’t stop fighting.

For a long time I said everything was all her fault, and then she said it was all my fault. I finally managed to admit that we’ve both been at fault, and she comes back with, “How is it my fault?”

It makes me want to rip my hair out, destroy my phone, throw things around, and stomp up and down like a kid throwing a tantrum.

I’ve been insecure in our friendship for awhile now. An old friend is moving back to the area and they’ve gotten kind of friendly and I’m jealous. I feel threatened. I’ve come right out and told her that a few times, and that seems to make me the sole bad guy.

I don’t want to paint her in a bad light, because we’ve both screwed up. I just wish we could get past it and be us again.

So I was just incredibly bold (for me) with a guy (S, of course). We haven’t talked since Tuesday, but I saw him both yesterday and today. My two best friends just bought a house, and he’s doing some electrical work for them. I was helping with some other stuff (mostly just keeping my friend company:) ). And he acted all weird. Yesterday he barely spoke two words to me, and tonight he would always look the opposite direction every time he saw me. The one time we actually made eye contact and he said hi, he had that deer in the headlights look.

It was silly.

So I called him. And I actually got to talk to him (shocking, really). And I told him I had two things to tell him. The first was that he shouldn’t be weird around me. He kind of laughed in that way that tells you that they know exactly what you’re talking about. I told him he did it yesterday and today and that everytime he saw me he looked in the other direction like he was scared of me or weirded out. He admitted it was true, and I told him to stop it. He laughed and said he could do that. The second thing I told him was that we should hang out some time because I don’t want to date him (well I do, but that’s beside the point). That didn’t really make sense, did it? Basically, I told him that we need to hang out and be friends. We need to have fun together. We need to get to know one another. I told him that I wasn’t running around thinking Oh he likes me, I want to date him! I want to be his friend and get to know him. I think I said some other stuff, but I don’t really remember it. But he agreed with me and told me he was glad that I was spelling it out for him.

I still can’t believe I was bold enough to tell him those things. That’s something that I wouldn’t ordinarily do. But I really like this guy, and I feel really comfortable when I talk to him.

But I don’t know if that’s really a good thing or not.

So last week, I got this wild idea to cut my hair. Then I chickened out. I went to the salon tonight to get my ends trimmed and the style (lack of style) shaped up. I told her that I had originally wanted to cut it, but changed my mind and she came back with,”So you chickened out?” I told her I wasn’t convinced I could pull off a short style, but she was pretty positive I could. But she could see I was apprehensive, so we discussed a shoulder-length do. While I was in the shampoo chair, I decided I wouldn’t chicken out. Any time I’ve ever wanted to do something drastic with my hair (usually color), I always go less drastic than I really wanted and end up really disappointed. So I decided I would go for what I really wanted. It’s just hair – if I hate it, it’ll grow back. Right? Right?

So I just went from the longest hair I’ve ever had in my life to the shortest… then I came home and took some pretty bad self-portraits in my (filthy) bathroom mirror. But you get the general idea of the new style.