Radio has impeccable timing sometimes. On my way to work this morning, I was composing an email in my head (am I the only one who does that?) to my new mentor. I asked her a few weeks ago to be my spiritual mentor, and she finally agreed to it, but she posed the question to me, “But what, I wonder, would I have to offer you? How could where I have been and what I am and where I am going be what you need?” She went on to say:
I cannot make you love Jesus. I cannot force you to accept Him as the One who came to save you, your very own Savior. I can’t assuage your doubts about God. I cannot argue the validity of faith by science or philosophy. Your inner heart is holy and private ground. I would not presume to force anything upon you.
Isn’t she great? She closed by asking me, “But would I love to be used of God to love you into a life you love?”
So my answer to her is going to be that I need that love. I’ve got the choice down. But there’s so much of me that feels cold and hard when it comes to God. I find myself wondering if it’s too late for me. Has this period of doubt permanently banished me to a life without feeling?
And as I was thinking this through this morning - thinking how much Jeanie’s life and passion would do me good - this song by Rush of Fools came on the radio:
I’ve been here before
Now, here I am again
Standing at the door
Praying You’ll let me back in
To label me
A prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I’ve been known to be
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one
Who can undo what I’ve become
I focused on the score
But I could never win
Trying to ignore
A life of hiding my sin
To label me
A hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I’ve been known to be
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one
Who can undo what I’ve become
Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
You are the only one who can undo
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve become
Uhhhh…. yeah. What they said.
It’s a courageous thing to admit to doubt and I’ve appreciated your honesty over the past few months as you’ve worked through some of the issues that you’re facing regarding your faith.
I chatted about doubt on radio yesterday with the principal of a theological college. We discussed the recent revelations of the deep doubt and emptiness that Mother Teresa felt at times.
http://www.rodneyolsen.net/2007/09/struggling-with-doubt.html
Amanda,
Sometimes we just put one foot in front of the other and keep walking the path, even when we’re not sure where it’s going. The feelings will come.
Just remember as you try to reintegrate–you’re running a marathon, not a sprint. You don’t have to know everything and be everything all at once.
Regardless, God’s love for you will not be any stronger once you get it all figured out. He loves you now, in the present, as you are. Don’t focus on the aspect of God as Judge, but spend some time focusing on the aspect of God as a loving Father. That has helped me a great deal in my own life.
I have heard that song so many times and each time it pricks my heart and makes it bleed. I have often wondered how a song can speak my words better than I can. But I honestly feel like the prodigal son in that I am afraid to go back for fear of rejection because I am so unworthy. I also feel as though I will be loosing some of my freedoms and just giving in and settling for what is comfortable and safe.
You’re a girl after my own heart. I fully understand the fear. That’s exactly where I am right now - in fact I posted about it not 20 minutes ago.