Monthly Archives: September 2007

Radio has impeccable timing sometimes. On my way to work this morning, I was composing an email in my head (am I the only one who does that?) to my new mentor. I asked her a few weeks ago to be my spiritual mentor, and she finally agreed to it, but she posed the question to me, “But what, I wonder, would I have to offer you?  How could where I have been and what I am and where I am going be what you need?” She went on to say:

I cannot make you love Jesus.  I cannot force you to accept Him as the One who came to save you, your very own Savior.  I can’t assuage your doubts about God.  I cannot argue the validity of faith by science or philosophy.  Your inner heart is holy and private ground.  I would not presume to force anything upon you.

Isn’t she great? She closed by asking me, “But would I love to be used of God to love you into a life you love?”

So my answer to her is going to be that I need that love. I’ve got the choice down. But there’s so much of me that feels cold and hard when it comes to God. I find myself wondering if it’s too late for me. Has this period of doubt permanently banished me to a life without feeling?

And as I was thinking this through this morning – thinking how much Jeanie’s life and passion would do me good – this song by Rush of Fools came on the radio:

I’ve been here before
Now, here I am again
Standing at the door
Praying You’ll let me back in

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
You are the only one who can undo
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve become

 Uhhhh…. yeah. What they said.

As I was sitting in church yesterday, a thought occured to me.

I will never have all of the answers.

Profound, I know.

I realized that if I sit around waiting for a “Jesus experience” or a “Holy Spirit experience” or an “encounter with God” I’m probably going to be waiting for a long time. Waiting in the state of turmoil that I’ve been in for months. Setting myself up for failure.

Instead, I have to make a choice.

Will I choose life? Or death?

I choose life.

To those of you who have chosen life and still don’t believe in God – that’s a great choice for you.

For me, if I don’t choose God, then I’m choosing death. My black and white syndrome will be sure of that. I’ve overanalyzed everything so much that for me to not choose God would also mean that I don’t choose morality. I would be embracing a completely hedonistic lifestyle if I didn’t choose God.

So I choose God. I choose life. I choose faith.

This isn’t to say that I have it all figured out. I don’t. I hate religion! I hate that I don’t know all the answers. I haven’t figured out how to believe the Bible while not believing the Bible at the same time.

But all it takes is a first step.

And for me, that step is a choice.

It’s funny. I’ve always looked at myself as a very “in the middle” kind of gal. I’m a peacekeeper. It’s very easy for me to understand where someone with a completely different opinion is coming from. But this whole faith fiasco has revealed to me that I’m really a very black and white kind of girl. Everything is either/or not both/and. There’s no grey area. It’s all or nothing.

And that’s why I’ve been struggling so much.

I have the greatest mom ever. I finally talked to her about what’s going on with me. And she didn’t cry or tell me I’m going to hell. She listened. She told me she understood. And she told me that she loves me. That was the greatest thing in the world that could have happened.

In talking to her, I figured out why I’ve left myself stuck in a sort of limbo. It’s because I’m a black or white kind of girl. If I admit that I don’t consider myself a Christian, then I must be a non Christian. And I’m not ready to make that step. I don’t want to make that step. The reason I’m in all of this turmoil is because I’m a black and white kind of girl. I’ve made the case over and over again that either all of the Bible is true, or none of it is. So, naturally, when I come to the conclusion that it’s not this great inerrant and infallible book, then…none of it must be. I don’t know how to go from 25 years of all or nothing to something else. I don’t think it’s in me to. Which is why I’m stuck. I know plenty of people who make the balance between faith and reason. They see that men wrote the Bible and some of the “facts” contained within just aren’t. And their faith remains intact.

I don’t know how to do that.

I don’t like this about myself. In fact, I hate it. My whole life I’ve proudly proclaimed that “I know that I know that I know” that everything about my faith was right, true, and good. Now that I find that some of it wasn’t…

In all honesty, this is retarded. I know it is. I’ve written tons of things about how Christians really are and how Christianity is really supposed to be. I’ve managed to be the kind of Christian who made people who hated all things Christian respect and even like me. But it was all based on this belief that everything between the cover of that book was the end all be all to everything. It was all relevent. It was all fact. And once that was disproved, everything else crumbled.

What do I rebuild on? Can this all or nothing girl even rebuild her faith?