The new Casting Crowns CD, The Altar and the Door, was released today. I pre-ordered it weeks ago because they’re my favorite band. They’re also a Christian band. And in spite of all of my conflicted feelings about Christianity, I was still really looking forward to this CD. I had mixed feelings about it, of course, because it seems like my reaction to all things Christian is cynical these days. But it was Casting Crowns! I’ve been in love with this band for years! In fact, the highlight of last year was attending a Casting Crowns concert.
So I went straight to Family Christian after work to pick it up. I had to wait in line, so I was looking around at everything and an unexpected emotion hit. Sorrow. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked around at the crosses on the wall and the books about grace and being confident and sure. I shook it off, picked up the CD and drove home. When I got home I took care of some business and immediately popped the CD into my laptop.
I started crying halfway through the first song.
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There’s a spoken part towards the end that says:
People aren’t confused by the gospel, they’re confused by us. Jesus is the only way to God, but we are not the only way to Jesus. This world does not need my tie, my hoodie, my denomination, or my translation of the Bible. They just need Jesus. We can be passionate about what we believe, but we can’t strap ourselves to the gospel because we’re slowing it down. Jesus is going to save the world, but maybe the best thing we can do is just get out of the way.
It made me realize what it was I was trying to leave behind. It isn’t Jesus–it’s the red-shirt haters (also known as “fundies”). That got lost among all of the voices that have been going on inside of my head since this whole thing started. In my quest to leave the baggage behind, I left everything behind, including the good stuff.
I’m now on my second time through this CD, and it’s as if this whole thing were planned out from the start. Half the songs on the CD speak to what I’ve been going through and the inner conflict that I’ve had.
Slow Fade:
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It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away. It’s a slow fade when black and white have turned to grey. Thoughts invade, choices made, a price will be paid when you give yourself away. People never crumble in a day. The journey from your mind into your hands is shorter than you’re thinking. Be careful if you think you stand, you just might be sinking.
East to West: God’s forgiveness is an amazing gift. The problem is that our logic gets in the way.
Here I am, Lord and I’m drowning in your sea of forgetfulness. The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest. I don’t want to end up where You found me. And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight. I know you’re cast my sin as fas as the east is from the west, And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned, but today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from You leaving me this way. Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west?
The Altar and the Door:
Careless, I am reckless, I’m a wrong-way-travelin’-slowly-unraveling shell of a man. Burnt out, I’m so numb now… I’m trying so hard to stop trying so hard, just let You be who You are – Lord, who You are in me. Jesus, I’m just trying so hard to stop trying so hard.
Somewhere in the Middle:
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Somewhere between the hot and the cold, somewhere between the new and the old, somewhere between who I am and who I used to be, Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me. Somewhere between the wrong and the right, somewhere between the darkness and the light. Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me. Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me. Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control?
Mark Hall gets it. He understands the difference between right Christianity and wrong Christianity. He makes the distinction that I wish I could truly make. Who I’ve been over the last few weeks isn’t who I want to be. But who I was before isn’t who I want to be either. I still have issues. I still have doubts. I’m not sure that my questions will ever be answered satisfactorily.
What I do know is that ever since I decided Christianity sucked and gave up, the life has slowly been sucked out of me.
Today, I got it back.
hehe, I told you that you were a Christian! Sorry, that was my smart aleck remark.
Its quite true, all religions provide something that unavailable to you when you leave it. A sense of community. This sense of community can pervade many facets of your life. from the activities to choose to partake in, to the object of materialism you choose to purchase to your views and feelings that are shared by many in your community. There is certainly a feeling of security. you can go to any country and find your church and instantly have a liferaft that would otherwise be unavailable to you. Have I described it to some degree?
Well, I’m glad you found some of your way. I of course wish you could have found yourself in yourself, rather than in god. But as long as you are happy…
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Oh, my goodness. I had a long-assed post here and accidentally wiped it out because I was still linked with vox. Anyway, in short, I am glad you are feeling enlivened again. My concern has been in watching you veer to the left and right on this, and I’m really hoping for you to find peace in your seeking. I pray this is it.
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Arise, sweet Amanda. Shine! For the light-glory of Jesus is risen on you! You’re a brilliant reflector – He loves your light back.
Is it really all as simple and as complex as John 1:1-14? Is it really as plain as this, but more mysterious than the mind can comprehend?
“But whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed and would do what he said, He made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves…” John in The Message
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Amazing how music has a way of speaking to the deepest parts of you. You are in a good place. Thank you for sharing where you have been and where you are going.
p.s. I’ve seen the pre-release stuff at Family Christian about the Casting Crowns CD and wondered, “What’s the big deal?” I get it. You’ve sold me. They should cut you a check!
;o)
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“What I do know is that ever since I decided Christianity sucked and gave up, the life has slowly been sucked out of me.
Today, I got it back.”
I’m so glad. I want you to have abundant life!
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Thank God for Casting Crowns. You, to me, seem like a true seeker. You don’t want crap. You want nothing less than what’s real. I’m touched that God loves you so incredibly so that He gave you a deep drink even when you didn’t think you needed it.
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