I’m Processing Through It
Aug 17th, 2007 by Amanda
One of the things I’ve learned about myself through all of this crud is that though I can easily explain true Christianity to people and point out when people aren’t living up to it, I’ve never embraced it for myself. I’ve still clung to the stupid things about church, the Bible, and Christianity that I was taught for the majority of my life.
That’s my problem.
There’s an analogy I use that kind of works here. If someone tells you several times a week that wearing a red shirt is wrong, you’re going to begin to think that wearing a red shirt is wrong. Or, you’ll wear the red shirt when you won’t be around the teacher. But if you ever get caught by the teacher wearing a red shirt, you end up feeling shame and guilt even if you don’t think it’s wrong. And then, if it’s gone on long enough, you may wear red shirts, but there’s still something in the back of your mind that tells you that you shouldn’t be.
That’s where I am. I’ve realized how stupid it is to think that red shirts are wrong. But it’s such an ingrained habit that I have, that the only way I know to fix it is to go to the opposite extreme and wear nothing but red. Which is just as silly!
Okay, enough of the metaphor. What I’m trying to say is that what I really need to do is work on relearning what is Truth and what isn’t. I need to forget what I’ve been taught and look to what is right. It won’t be easy. I still have many many doubts and questions. There are things I want explained that can’t be explained by Christianity. And I’m not ready to get to the point where I say, “Well, God doesn’t have to tell us everything.” That’s a cop out.
Faith and reason can exist together.
I just have to figure out how.
Your explanation also does a great job of explaining the suicide rate of GLBT people. If you are told my churches, pastors, etc that homosexuality is wrong, many GLBT people feel shame so great that they choose to end their lives. THey realize that the feelings they have are NOT going away, and the shame and guilt becomes unbearable.
This is why we have pride parades. This is why we are out and proud- to overcome the guilt and shame that others want us to feel. It takes a long time to overcome, but I for one, made it to the other side!!
Great post, Amanda. I’m curious to see where the red shirt analysis takes you.
Musicguy, I get the feeling that you rule.
Amanda: wow, this is an exciting time for you. Sorry I forgot to look at your response to my last comment. I didn’t check the box, or something? I don’t know.
I really respect how seriously you are taking yourself, and how I don’t see you swaying in the breeze of other people’s opinions.
Uhh, half the response is gone. Here’s the rest (hopefully):
…breeze of other people’s opinions. Gross metaphor, sorry. The point is, you’re stalwart. I’m a fan.
I can’t tell you why red shirts are okay or not, or where to go to find out for yourself. I can’t tell you how faith and reason co-exist. I wish I could.
They definitely can, by all accounts. Look at Muslim science and math in the Christian Dark Ages. Look at my dad. (Well, you can’t. But he’s an example.)
The closest I can say (from my own imperfect ruminations) is this: reasonable faith is faith with a healthy dose of realism. It’s a faith that doesn’t expect perfection, or easy answers, or hand-holding, or any such thing. A realistic faith expects screw-ups and jerks and wars and all the wretched things that idealists wish there was a way to be rid of. It realizes that when you put two people in a room or religion together, eventually they will fight. And that while altruism is nice and should be encouraged, it is most likely based in the most primitive and important force of life: this gene must survive.
In my life, reason and faith interact in such a way that I don’t require a spiritual explanation for everything. Pretty much anything can be explained by reproductive success — I don’t always see God in events.
I rule?? I only wish. the world would be a much better place!!!!
Mandi Darling,
I have been so very proud of you. I just wanted to express that.
You really are doing a wonderful job of working through the hard stuff, and you’re thinking for yourself. It’s good to see.
Kisses
P.S. to Sara,
Musicguy does in fact rule. He’s just being modest.
hmm, faith and reason can and do exist together. after being a Christian for 8 years I almost turned on God cuz I didn’t understand how…
and I still don’t totally, but learning the answers to tough questions is a quest like any other. it takes time, and as you said, hard work. for me it came down to: does God really exist? by the time I hit that period I had already been baptized in the Holy Spirit & I was like, “well yeah. otherwise how could I speak in a language I have never learned & how can I be patient when I really really want to blow my top? I can’t do those type of things on my own.” It took several weeks for me to come to that conclusion, but since then I’ve continued studying the Bible & asking God questions & challenging him to reveal himself to me. Psalms says “Taste and see that the Lord is good.” That is not an idle statement…
there is a chapter of Lee Strobel’s book, The Case for Faith, in which Lynn Anderson (doctorate in ministry & senior pastor for 30 years) tackles the subject “I still have doubts, so I can’t be a Christian.” I don’t know whether you’re a Christian or not, but the book is helpful in learning how to deal w/ doubts. yes, it does seem rather cop-out-ish near the end, but it is still worthwhile reading.
I find it helpful to remind myself of the definition of faith: Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it. (Hebrews 11:1, New Century Version). I used that version because most versions, while having a nice flow, seem cryptic to me in this matter. For instance, the over-used example of the wind: You can’t see it, but you know it’s there because you feel it and you see the effects of it. I know God is there, not because I can see him, but because I can see the effects of him.
as a last note, God is not irrational and doesn’t expect you to be a blind robot. He gives proof after proof and then leaves it up to us to decide from the evidence we have whether we can trust him to reveal the answers to our other questions or not. He is okay w/ you taking your time to determine what you think about him, and he is big enough to take your questions. I used to not ask him stuff, but I found that order to taste & see and I decided to take him up on the offer since there was nothing else to do.
Good luck in all your endeavors!
“when it is reasonable to believe the unseen is real, you don’t have to wonder if you have faith!”
Wow. What great support from you guys. It’s getting easier to be more and more honest about where I am and what I’m feeling here.
Musicguy - I gotta jump on the bandwagon; you do rule.
Sara - Stalwart is not a word I would use to describe myself. Thank you.
JanieBelle - Thanks.
Mary - Thank you. I see a lot of myself in your answer, I just haven’t gotten as far as you have. I will check out Strobel’s book at some point. Thanks for the recommendation.
Mary, I’m going to try that.