Going Through the Motions
Aug 7th, 2007 by Amanda
I don’t know where to begin with this post. Actually, I do. I’m going to use one of the greatest songs ever to tell you guys how I’m feeling these days - a song from Buffy, the Musical (Once More With Feeling).
Obviously she and I aren’t in the same situation - I haven’t died and then had my friends resurrect me, pulling me out of heaven back into hell on earth. But the end of the song…
I don’t want to be going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can’t even see if this is really me
And I just want to be alive
I’m sure you all remember my “crisis of faith” a few weeks ago. And most of you probably breathed a huge sigh of relief when the crisis was averted. The only thing is… it really wasn’t. I went right back to going through the motions. I do it because I still care what people think. People. Not God. People.
My closest Christian friend has been out of the country for the last two weeks and won’t be back until next week. This whole time she’s been gone, I haven’t had to worry about living up to her expectations. And during this time, my thoughts and feelings about God and Christianity have been able to run freely.
My conclusions are that I don’t believe the Bible is infallible, and as such, I don’t really think I should follow a religion that is based on it.
The more I read of Paul’s writings, the more I really don’t like the man. He’s pompous. He’s arrogant. He’s annoying. I think that what he wrote is just that - letters that Paul wrote.
And that makes me have a problem with Christianity since it’s based on the NT and the NT is primarily Paul’s writings.
If Paul’s writings are called into question, then everyone else’s must be too. And once the Bible falls, everything else about Christianity falls for me.
I’m not saying I don’t believe in God. I do. That’s just a matter of fact for me. God exists. I even think Jesus existed - 4 nearly identical accounts in the Bible, plus other historical sources are enough for me to believe he existed. But was he divine? I’m beginning to think… no.
If you feel constantly that you have to live up to your friend’s expectations, there’s something seriously wrong with the friendship. I don’t know if your friend really is judgemental and perfectionist, or if it’s your mistaken perception of how she is - but either way, you need either to keep away or have a sit down and talk about what her expectations really are.
As for Paul - I don’t think he was perfect, but there’s a lot of useful stuff in his letters. I prefer the Gospels, on the whole. I do believe Jesus was divine, but that’s partly because of CS Lewis and his logic… I guess you’ve read ‘Mere Christianity’ at some point, it’s such a classic, but whenever I’ve had any doubts, he’s convinced me again.
some people just call themselves ‘followers of Jesus’ and try to be just that. All the rubbish that goes on in some churches isn’t necessary. Nor is living up to anyone else’s expectations. Look at the way Jesus fraternised with ’sinners and tax collectors’, not to mention prostitutes. The dregs of society who didn’t live up to anyone’s ideals.. but he loved them anyway. The only people he was really harsh with were the hypocritical religious leaders.
I think he still feels the same way.
When I read Paul, I always keep in mind that he wrote to a particular people, in a particular place and time, for a specific purpose. I don’t think that his writings can be applied to all peoples, in all places and times, for all purposes. When you read Paul like that, you allow yourself to consider the historical implications of his writings and get a much different interpretation than most people would want you to believe.
That’s why I’m so interested in the United Church of Christ. They interpret differently which makes them a much more loving congregation than most. And- you are allowed and encouraged to have your own interpretation and insights. Blasphemy to some!!!
Keep thinking about this stuff. Reason is NOT the enemy of faith!
Well, Mandi, you’ve got a right to ask these questions, to doubt, and not believe. Not everyone is going to feel that way, but I do. Before I tell you what I think of your argument, I want to make it crystal clear that you have my unconditional support in terms of setting your own path.
Now, to my critique… First of all, I agree with a lot of what you say. A lot of times, Paul is just projecting his personal views, rather than any revelation about things which are eternal. Sometimes he even tells us that he is doing this, but sometimes not. He likes to use big images to build arguments based on analogy, and you can often see where he falls in love with his own imagery. When I’m in a good mood, Paul’s writings come off as expansive and grand; other times, he does sound pretty pompous and sure of himself.
Now, there are all sorts of apologists for Paul who would try to argue that we do him a disservice when we impose the expectations of our times upon his works, which were written in a very different cultural context. They’ll bend over backwards to excuse what is perceived as sexism, or an endorsement of slavery, etc.
I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to apologize for Paul, that’s somebody else’s job. What I want to focus on is your brief:
“…My conclusions are that I don’t believe the Bible is infallible, and as such, I don’t really think I should follow a religion that is based on it.”
I think there’s a flaw in your logic. Christianity is not based on the New Testament. It’s based on the life and teachings of Jesus, which are reflected not just in scripture, but in all the other things that Christians do: prayer, fellowship, worship, the celebration of church traditions, the use of reason and (as Wesley emphasized) personal experience.
The early Christians existed without any scriptural canon. Most of them were surely illiterate, and did not read scripture for themselves. Nevertheless, the church grew and did so under waves of increasing persecution in the 2nd and 3rd centuries.
These believers surely did not go to death because they placed their faith in the pomp of one man’s epistles!
So there must be more to this Christianity thing than the Bible. Still, you could object and say, yes, that’s true but still if the Bible is ‘wrong’ then Christianity must be ‘wrong’, too, right? To which I would say, only if you invest the Bible with more authority than it deserves. The Bible reflects Jesus’s life and teachings, but it is not a perfect mirror, by any means. It is flawed. When we say that this or that book is scriptural, when we place it in the canon, what we are really saying is ‘this book is better than other things that we have, it is closer to the truth, it is less screwed-up than other books.’ Because there were other books, many others: other epistles,other gospels, other apocalypses which didn’t ‘make the cut.’
So, my faith does not depend on any teaching that the Bible is either inerrant nor infallible. Let us go further than that, though, for the sake of a rhetorical point. Let us pretend that the Bible is not merely fallible, but irredeemably wicked. If all the Bibles in the world were confiscated and burned, would that mean the end of Christianity?
I think not. If Christ is who we Christians say he is, then something like Christianity would still prevail. In the gospels, Jesus in the garden does not comfort his disciples by telling them, ‘Don’t worry, after I’m gone, I’ll send you a Bible.’ Instead, he identifies the Comforter as the Spirit of God. If Christianity is true, then even in the absence of Bibles, or the ability to read them, the church on earth will be sustained.
Speaking of which, I hope that you will be sustained by the friendship of all who write, believer or otherwise. Reject any, believer or otherwise, who does not encourage you to continue your brave quest, with all its doubts.
In a spirit of acceptance…Scott
Interesting conclusions, Scott.
I would ask, Amanda, why is this cyclical in your life– do you find yourself in a rut where you keep walking in circles and finding no meaning?
If so, there’s probably a deeper reason, something that you need to find, because if you have enjoyed a close walk with the Lord and now you don’t, you’ve got to find out what has changed.
My best piece of advice here is, take an inventory of your life. Find what you believe is the last thing that God convicted you to do. Are you doing that? If you want to know God’s power in your life, if you want to know His will for what you are to do, then when He tells you something you should do it.
As for Paul– the question comes down to:
1. Do the Apostles support his doctrine?
2. Is what he saying wrong?
3. Are you bringing any of your own perceptions and judging him accordingly?
4. If I have to choose between what you say and what Paul says, who should I follow? Who has a better chance of being right?
Amanda,
I have worried for a while that your “return” to Jesus/Christianity was pronounced too quickly. I think that’s why you have had a hard time finding things to write about.
Previously, you spent a lot of time and effort delving into Christian “issues” and theology, offering opinions, expressing disagreement…etc. I would venture to say that you haven’t felt as comfortable writing about those things extensively again, simply because you are really still hashing things out. That’s OK.
I don’t necessarily believe in inerrancy in the way that it is sometimes presented..i.e….there is never a mistake…ever..in the Bible. Even if we have to bend over backwards and stretch our imaginations to prove that even the geaneaologies and numbers match up we’ll do it–that is silly. I do however believe that the spiritual content of the Bible is inerrant and true.
Regardless, nothing I have to say to “prove” it to you will matter I am sure. You have to work this out on your own.
I had an English prof. who liked to say that at some point everyone’s path narrows down to a space that only one person can walk. Friends can’t go there with you, family can’t accompany you, and even the pets get left behind. I think that’s where you are right now.
Other people can encourage and pray for you, but ultimately it’s your path.
Wishing you peace and blessings.
[…] Today is Independence Day at Imago Dei. […]
Keep moving towards the light.
Its a big bright world out here.
Think for yourself.
Good luck.
Sue -
If you feel constantly that you have to live up to your friend’s expectations, there’s something seriously wrong with the friendship. I don’t know if your friend really is judgemental and perfectionist, or if it’s your mistaken perception of how she is - but either way, you need either to keep away or have a sit down and talk about what her expectations really are.
You’re right. It’s unhealthy. I think it’s a mixture of both how she really is and what my perception of her is.
I’ve never been able to finish Mere Christianity…even though it’s sitting on my desk right now. I just can’t read Lewis’ style of writing. Bores me to tears.
Musicguy -
I think that I’m not really interested in a church at all. I’m in a place where I’m tired of ritual and tradition and want nothing to do with any of it.
Scott -
Christianity is not based on the New Testament.
In theory, no. In practice, yes. The church and the actions of the church and the dogma of the church all comes from the NT.
MIntheGap -
I would ask, Amanda, why is this cyclical in your life– do you find yourself in a rut where you keep walking in circles and finding no meaning?
It’s cyclical because I keep going against my better judgment back into the shadow of expectation that I feel from those around me.
Terri -
I had an English prof. who liked to say that at some point everyone’s path narrows down to a space that only one person can walk. Friends can’t go there with you, family can’t accompany you, and even the pets get left behind. I think that’s where you are right now.
Other people can encourage and pray for you, but ultimately it’s your path.
Thank you.
psiloiordinary -
Thank you, as well.
I’m sorry that you are in this place where you feel your only options are to leave or stay. Unfortunately, I think that is the box that Christianity, particularly as defined by most conservative and a I guess “modern” (I’m still trying to understand the whole modern/post-modern stuff) often puts people in.
I have had to step out of the either/or dichotomy of Christianity and accept mystery and unknown. I know that sounds kind of hokey and new-agey. But, it is what works for me. I’m learning to live in tension - to not look for certainty in all things, to be comfortable in the unknown, while still seeking answers and waiting for things to iron even out and loosen up.
Maybe this wall that you’ve hit and keep on hitting is something deeper than just leaving Christianity. It may also be about stepping out and leaving the expectations that you and others have placed on you and finding out who you are and what you believe. And I think that in that searching, God will reveal Himself to you in new and powerful ways.
I hope you keep writing and sharing. No expectations, only that you write from your heart.
Oh, Mandi! My heart aches for you: for the turmoil and pain that you are going through yet again. No, you should never feel that you have to “go through the motions.” That is simply hypocrisy anyway. You either have a relationship with Jesus Christ or you don’t, and the choice is yours (and yours alone) to make.
I agree with Terri’s comment that this appears to be one of those times in life when you are alone because no one can walk this part of your path with or for you. No matter what my opinion of your final decision, I will continue to love and care for you.
You’re not alone. I feel you.
“In theory, no. In practice, yes. The church and the actions of the church and the dogma of the church all comes from the NT.”
I’m sorry to disagree with you, but I don’t think it’s that cut-and-dried. Doctrines like the Trinity and the nature of Christ (fully human, fully divine) were not spelled out in the scriptures. These items were proclaimed as dogma centuries after the composition of the present NT canon. There were competing views on these topics that only after the fact were labeled as ‘heresies’: such as the notion, broached by you, that Jesus was human but not divine.
Now, I think you should be free to believe what you want. I’m certainly in no position to label another a heretic! But your comments make it clear that you’ve invested much of your faith in the Bible itself, which is typical of folk who attend evangelical churches. Without attempting to bad-mouth anyone, let me suggest that there are other viewpoints.
You can read about the diversity of ways scripture has been interpreted here. I hope you find it useful.
Peace….Scott
You have my support, without judgement, in where ever your future path leads, Amanda. A decision such as this is never easy, must not be taken lightly, and has to be your own decision.
That being said, I believe both you and Mr. Hatfield are correct. Although, it largely depends on the denomination, and even on the individual. Everyone has to choose their own path and way. It’s not easy, but it will make you more comfortable with who you are and you will be happier for it.
Hello,
I have taken to reading your blog from time to time and I understand your faith struggle. I spent much of the last 2 years struggling with my own faith journey. I finally found that God is far less judgmental than those who claim to follow him. That, in and of itself, was a great relief. Once I realized that I found that I could follow him much better without the outside influence of most of the Christians who surrounded me.
I am now a Gnostic. And since my conversion (of sorts) I have found true inner peace and contentment. I find that I can talk to God rather than pray to him. I have found what true forgiveness and humility is all about. I have been able to reach out to others that I would not have otherwise reached out to.
In short, I feel closer to God now than ever before.
I pray that you will come to that point in your walk as well. Feel free to contact me if I can be of any assistance.
I remain, In His Service,
+Anthony
I even think Jesus existed - 4 nearly identical accounts in the Bible, plus other historical sources are enough for me to believe he existed.
Point of information: the evidence is pretty convincing that this is due to Matthew and Luke being cribbed off Mark. That leaves us with at most two primary sources, both of which display some propensity for “tweaking” the facts if it made a better narrative*.
To the best of my knowledge, there are no external sources that reference Jesus, except in the context of his followers kicking up a ruckus.
I realise I’m coming in horribly late to this discussion - have spent the last month of weekends redecorating a new flat, with no end in sight. Kudos on having the mental flexibility to adjust your religious orientation. I am of course curious about what makes God “a matter of fact” for you.
* For example, Mark 15:10 - never mind what Pilate knew about the priests, how on Earth could the Gospel author know about Pilate’s internal monologue?
Lifewish! I thought maybe you were dead or something you’ve been gone so long…
Welcome back
God is a “matter of fact” for me because…He is. This is a silly argument for you logical thinkers…but there has to be something bigger than us out there. I can’t fathom a world where there isn’t something besides us.
Hi! I just started reading your blog. And I would just like to say.
God is a “matter of fact” for me because…He is. This is a silly argument for you logical thinkers…but there has to be something bigger than us out there. I can’t fathom a world where there isn’t something besides us.
Amen!
I just love your last statement!
Truly, Amen and Amen!
I love it too. But as one of those logical thinkers…I just ask… Why?
Why does there have to be something bigger out there?
Who made the rule that there must be some entity that organizes the universe? (natural laws do just fine on their own, without help) The sense of wonderment and fascination is so much stronger when you realize that this beautiful view, or that massive planet, or that gigantic star, or that tiny particle whose behavior is unlike anything we experience on a day to day level are all natural phenomena. These things are that way all by themselves.
This is not at all a world where there is not something besides us, it is teeming with life, from the smallest plankton to the largest mammal. We interact with life in a complex dance everyday. Even looking at the human species alone, there are different socialogical forces at work when examining a single person or groups of people. These forces act to send different societies off in different directions. How can you possibly feel alone or need to imagine more when there is so much around you? More than any of us understand!
I understand the need to feel like someone was responsible for all this. But that is the stuff of fantasy and myth. Without evidence, why assign the amazing things available to us to someone else? More importantly, why assign the amazing things you have accomplished, the success of your various trials and tribulations (and the failures), the progress you and mankind has made, to an invisible, weightless, soundless, entity in the sky.
You have 78 years or so on average to make the best of this (that statistic improves to 83 if you can just get to age 65! And for you Amanda, its even higher, as women do better).
I think you are doing yourself and many other a wonderful service by documenting your journey. I just get sad when I read things like that last comment. We could do so much better if we gave ourselves the credit we deserve and didnt get bogged down in worrying about whose interpretation of what the invisible entity wants from us is the correct one.
When you say something like “My number one priority is being who God wants me to be. I fall woefully short of this everyday, but that usually doesn’t stop me from trying.”. You sell yourself so short it pains me to read. You will not and can not know what this invisible entity wants from you because it is a construction of mankind, one we have honed for thousands of years. How much happier could you be if you saw that everything that happens is a result of your actions or actions by others that you are unable to control? You can only do your best by being 100% responsible for the way you react to everything and doing what you think advances humankind in a benevolent way. I think this blog is a sure sign that you are already on that track, god or no god.
I quite aware that atheists come off as condescending. Its an unavoidable attribute of talking about this subject, so please do not take anything I say as anything but true encouragement and respect.
Tech - I think I love you.
You’re one of the nicest atheists I’ve come across. Wow, that sounded kind of bad, didn’t it?
To be honest, I’m quite content with where I am right now. I’ve not crossed over to “the Dark Side” completely, but I’m a long way from where I was.
I’m planning a post at some point in the future on why I believe in God, because that’s the question I keep getting asked. Although, I must admit, it will probably be harder to write than I think it will.
Whoo… i’m blushing, didnt sound bad to me.. I can’t wait to show my wife! she thinks I’m a total dork. she’s probably right.
I look forward to your post. i hope you will entertain questions about why you consider this such strong evidence in your book. As I have mentioned, faith and religion, of which I share none, are truly fascinating to me.