There’s a fine line between desperation and desire. In the past, I’ve been desperate to leave my singleness behind me. Back then, I would have scoffed at the idea that I was desperate, but looking back, that’s exactly what I was. I can remember reading a chick lit novel or watching a chick flick and just bursting into tears at the thought of my romance that never was. I wanted it so badly it hurt. Literally.
But as I’ve grown up and gotten wiser, I’ve grown more content with where I am in life. I’ve learned the hard way that I put my worth in the touch of a man and I shouldn’t. I’ve learned that there are things that I need to do for the kingdom of God that I can better do as a single woman than I could with a man in my life.
Does that mean the desire for a life partner is gone? Absolutely not. That desire is part of who makes me Mandi Kaye. I know without a shadow of a doubt that one day, I will have the family that I long for. But until then, my calling is to do my best for God exactly the way I am.
That being said, I find it completely ironic that I’ve finally had a man declare his love for me. A man I don’t want to be with (mainly because I don’t find him to be a man, though he is 25 years old). I finally have the chance to go for the life I’ve wanted…except I don’t want to. At least, not with him. There was a time I would have gladly jumped at the chance to be with him forever, but too much has happened between us in the last year. And I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship (which, by the way, is a defining characteristic in the difference between desire and desperation).
At night, my resolve falters because that’s when I’m home alone with nothing but a bowl of ice cream and either a good book or the remote. I think to myself, it would be so nice to have someone–anyone–to cuddle with right now. And I’m tempted to call him. But I don’t. Because I know that in the morning, I would regret it. I know that I would be using him and leading him to believe he could have something with me that I have no intention of giving him.
So I won’t settle. Not even when I desire the kind of companionship that is being offered.
Good for you!
I remember a saying, “When you settle for nothing but the best, you will get the best.” I don’t remember who said it though. I know how you feel! I sure have been in that position.
“Because I know that in the morning, I would regret it. I know that I would be using him and leading him to believe he could have something with me that I have no intention of giving him.”
That is true. I, unfortunately, have not been as wise as you. It was a messy situation, but thankfully we’ve had it sort out and we’re still friends. There are times when he drop it into conversations though. Guess I have to live with that as long as I know him. Sigh…
Wise you are…hang in there. Hold out for the dream. I watch people who settled. They tell me, “I actually knew all along…” and it is only harder down the road.
The desire of your heart will come. He will come.