I’ve been asked several times to explain why this seemingly sudden and radical change has taken place in my life. Unfortunately, there’s no simple answer. There wasn’t a single moment that made a light bulb go off in my head or anything like that – it was a culmination of a lot of things.
My whole life, I’ve been a people pleaser. The whole reason I started going to church when I was 17 was just to please my mom. If I hadn’t gone with her, she would have been disappointed in me and I wouldn’t have been able to bear that. Typically, I tell people that after three or four months I stopped going for her and started going for myself. But in reality, that just isn’t true. After having made the relationships I had made, if I had stopped going, they all would have been disappointed in me. So what did I do? I went off to college, and for awhile there I got a little crazy (for me)…except when I was around my parents or the church folks. I was leading two separate lives – the church girl and the college girl. Some things happened that strained (and eventually ended) my relationships with the girls I was friends with at college, so I went back to the only thing I knew – church girl. That alienated my college friends even more, so I just moved back home. And at home I wasn’t about to disappoint my mom. It’s easy to throw yourself whole-heartedly into something in order to please someone else.
Except…my whole heart was never in it. I’ve always had a secret life in my head. Wait…that sounded bad, didn’t it? What I mean is that what goes on in my head is radically different than what goes on everywhere else.
I have a potty mouth. Well, a potty mind, actually. I trained myself never to say the words I was thinking because bad language is frowned on when you’re a Christian.
I have no problems with sex or violence on tv or movies…one of my favorite shows happens to be Sex and the City. I was embarrassed to admit that to my Christian friends, and I was careful never to watch it if my roommates were home.
In my small group, there was an older gentleman with cerebral palsy who attended. I really don’t like this guy. He creeps me out. I desperately wanted him to stop attending the group. When he finally did stop coming a few weeks ago, I was happy about it… not exactly a Christlike response.
I have no qualms whatsoever about lying to someone if the truth will hurt them, or make them very mad at me. My friends tend to think I’m a bad liar, but if they can tell I’m lying it’s because I want them to know I’m lying. DISCLAIMER: I don’t make it a habit to lie to my friends…it’s usually my step-father who is at the other end.
So all of these types of things have always happened. What comes out of my mouth isn’t always what is in my head. I’m very good at giving the appearance that is expected of me.
And once you learn the Christian language (and let’s face it, it really is a different language), it’s easy to speak it out of habit. Once you know the Bible well enough and the acceptable Christian actions, it’s easy to put yourself on autopilot and always give the “Sunday School” answer. It’s even easy to go deeper and learn what is considered the “meat” of Scripture and be able to give those kinds of answers just because you know what you’re supposed to say. That way you don’t rock the boat and your life continues the way it always has.
You do it so much that it becomes who you are. Your whole identity becomes wrapped up in this falsehood.
The kicker, for me, was when I watched a video a few weeks ago. Part 1 of the Zeitgeist moves, “The Greatest Story Ever Told.” It’s 26 minutes long, if you want to watch it below. While I was watching this video, my head was telling me “This is hogwash. This goes against everything you’ve ever been taught. This guy is just pulling stuff out of his butt.” But at the same time, I had this nagging feeling that he was right. I couldn’t find anyone to actually dispute anything he said in the video…although I did get people telling me not to forget certain Bible verses that speak of people not understanding the wisdom of God. That didn’t help. I wanted to know why it was wrong. Not just “because it is.”
Last week a friend of mine was brave enough to say on her blog that sometimes she just wants to tell God to go away. That opened a door for me. I thought that if she could be brave enough to say that then I can be brave enough to explore these blasphemous thoughts I’ve been having.
Sitting in church yesterday (yes I still go, and will continue to go as long as I have ministry committments, unless they ask me to step down), I began to realize more about my “new” thoughts. I really do think that Christianity was invented by man. I think all religions were invented by man. If there are so many different religions in the world (and every single culture that has ever existed has had their own version of a religion), and even religions in cultures that have never even heard about Christianity, religions that are similar to Christianity that were in place long before Jesus was born, then… how can religion (all religion) not be an invention of man?
And in exploring the blasphemous thoughts (like the one above), I’ve found a completely different person. Kind of. I still have the same politic inclinations (pro-life, anti death penalty). I still love to read. My favorite movies are still Rent and Talladega Nights. I still love my friends fiercely – even though I know they’re going to try and “convert” me. I still love to laugh and have fun. This really doesn’t make me a different person – it just makes me a truer person.
Amanda,
Can’t watch the video. My computer is too OLD and SLLLLLOOOOOOOOOWWWW!
If this version of your “christian” experience is true, and you never really believed or sought Jesus of your own personal desire, then there really is nothing to say.
If being a christian, was simply attending church and lining up with things other people told you, then there is no relationship to salvage.
I could say all kinds of things and quote verses, and defend historical Christianity to Janie, Musicguy, and Lifewish, but it would all be for naught. Being a christian, while partly based on information, is also experiential. Without a personal touch or connection with Jesus, the rest is just a bunch of dead guys books.
Christinaity is meant to be lived, felt, and experienced. If you never experienced it,then did you ever believe it? If you claim to have experienced it, but now think it was just a bunch of serotonin surging into your brain, one would have to wonder how you differentiate that “experience” from the feelings and relief that you are “experiencing” now.
I wish you well. May you find what you’re looking for.
Such honesty expressed so very publicly on such a blog as this is immensely admirable. It took great courage not only to be honest with the people who read this blog, but even more so to yourself.
Such strength of character is all too uncommon, dear Amanda. I applaud your honesty, your strength, your courage, your compassion, your kindness, and your intelligence from the bottom of my heart.
I knew you had it in you, I’m glad you finally realized it yourself.
Kisses,
JanieBelle
Have I? There’s this pit in the bottom of my stomach right now.
In my heart, I know it’s a result of me caring what people think and reading what others are saying about me.
Am I so weak that I’ll go back to what I was in an effort to be liked better?
I don’t think anyone wants you to do something just because you feel pressured.
You must find your way and seek the truth.
However, of all the responses that you have received, please note that the Christian ones want you to figure it out and take time to think about it, while those who have no christian belief have only congratulated you on throwing off the beliefs that they don’t agree with.
They don’t exactly seem open to you continuing your beliefs if you choose to do so.
Project much, Terri?
Dearest Terri, ask Amanda to send the email I sent her in private, which told her to take her time and decide what she really wanted. Way to attack for no good reason. Just another reason to love the “Christians”.
Let’s just take a quick look at Terri’s not-so-subtle attempt at puffing herself up above the godless heathens…
Some quick synopses (I don’t intend to mischaracterize, just a quick hand check…) to see who might be doing the pressuring, and who is simply here to hold the hand of a friend in need…
Thursday, June 21st, Amanda says she’s having a crisis of faith.
ontheedge (Xtian) says “I’m praying that god shows you…”
derifter says (Xtian) “Read this bible verse…”
TERRI says (Xtian) “Let me talk you down off the ledge…”
Tasha says (Xtian) “I have doubts too, but I am your friend no matter what…”
MusicGuy (I believe you are dumping him in the non Christian category) says “Whatever you want, go for it…”
Alan says (Xtian) “God’s still there whether you believe it or not…”
Sue says (Xtian) “God will be waiting for you when you change your mind…”
SusanH says (Xtian) “You won’t be happy being disobedient to god…”
TQL presents a less committal version of “You’ll be back…” but doesn’t really push the idea to much.
Carl says (Xtian) “You can come back to God now, or after you crash and burn…”
JANIEBELLE (naked godless heathen with no sexual preference (!!!)) says “I’m proud of you, and I will be here wherever that may lead…”
I assume that I have made my point.
What do you suppose Jesus thinks of your bearing false witness Terri?
Stop being a self-centered brat. This is about Amanda, not you. Hold her hand and be her friend, wherever her path leads.
I’m going to jump in here…
Both sides have been (in most cases) equally supportive in their own ways. But this isn’t about Christians vs. Non-Christians.
I’m not choosing one “side” over the other, but all of a sudden it’s starting to feel like a giant game of tug of war with me standing in the middle.
I apologize for the typo in that last comment. I get a little livid when someone lies about me.
And it should never have gone that way Amanda.
I for one am already regretting allowing myself to be baited into that.
My apologies.
“In my heart, I know it’s a result of me caring what people think and reading what others are saying about me.”
That comment scares me Amanda. You need to be doing this metamorphasis because of you, not outside influences (I believe I used that very phrase in my email to you, but Dearest Terri seems to need to see it in print).
My advice is that you lay low for awhile and really sort things out- listen to YOUR heart, and avoid the mess that’s here in the comments section. Dearest Terri, Janie, and I will be fine without you. Come back when you know what you want, whatever that might be.
As I said in the email (again reiterated for Dearest Terri’s sake), I’ll still be around, no matter what your final decision is. I hope that is the same case for everyone who’s been commenting here.
Musicguy is a non Christian, technically. I erroneously get dumped into the atheist category quite a bit. From my post entitled, My Thoughts on Religion (in the best of section):
There is no doubt in my mind that a higher being created this world and all that dwells in it. However, I do not believe that the Book of Genesis accurately portrays the creation of the universe. In general, I strongly feel that the Bible is not the word of God, but rather a collection of writing designed to enslave humanity and strike fear in our hearts.
I believe that this higher being has always existed. It set off the “big bang” and silently watches as the world unfolds. This being is neither male nor female. It does not answer our prayers or interfere positively or negatively in our lives.
You can read the rest of it here: http://musicguy2723.blogspot.com/2006/09/my-thoughts-on-religion-redux.html
Indeed MusicGuy, I too hope that is the case.
And I will second the idea that Amanda is perfectly free to publish our private conversation if she so desires, with my blessing.
MusicGuy is also correct in that the only one here whose thoughts really matter is Amanda.
Mandi darling, first and foremost you have to be true to yourself, not to your family, not to us.
Yes, I thought I had read that you indeed might have similar thoughts to mine.
“Weak theism” perhaps? I haven’t really decided exactly how I categorize myself, and quite honestly it’s not terribly important to me.
I no longer refer to myself as “Christian -other”, but atheist isn’t correct for me, either.
Deism similar to your thoughts has its appeal to me, but pantheism does as well. “I grok god.”
I suspect I’m a smattering of many things in that regard, but again, it’s not really that important to me to give myself a label.
Kisses
“project much”…well if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black,I don’t know what is.
I never called you or anyone else the things that you seem to think that I did, and I wouldn’t call you those things now.
However, it seems that you are quite willing to project your thoughts about me and what I’m saying.
If anyone has said otherwise in private e-mails, then I have no way of knowing that.
As christians, and assuming that Amanda was one also, we were only trying to encourage her. It would be one thing for us to have assaulted her with Bible verses if she had never expressed any interest or desire for Christianity.
She made this turnabout in a matter of days, with little warning. So, it is natural to wonder if everything was OK with her and to try and encourage her in the faith. That’s what Christians are supposed to do.
If she chooses to reject Chrisitanity, that is her choice.
For Amanda’s benefit, I am going to uncharacteristically drop the subject of your intimations entirely.
(Please, nobody faint!)
As for “a matter of days”, no. This has been brewing for longer than I have known her. It’s certainly not like she woke up the other day and went “Hey. I think I’ll dump my religion today.”
Whether Amanda chooses to accept or reject this or that religion (or lack thereof) is irrelevant.
What is important is that her friends, all of them including you and me support her no matter the outcome.
Janie, I’m not trying to “convert” Mandi back. She’s a big girl and can make her own decisions. I am heartbroken, as my beliefs lead me to the conclusion that Mandi will suffer for this and I love her dearly. But she knows what the scriptures say, so I don’t need to preach at her.
She and I have also spoken privately and I think she’ll tell you that she was surprised with how supportive I’ve been. Like I said, I love her dearly, and only want the best for her.
“I am heartbroken, as my beliefs lead me to the conclusion that Mandi will suffer for this and I love her dearly.”
I think that qualifies as a not-so-veiled attempt to convert her back. Sorry.
I love the fundie mantra: follow us or SUFFER. Yes, very inviting, warm, and fuzzy. It’s a wonder that millions more aren’t flocking to be a part of this loving sect.
I guess “God is love” only when you feel he/she/it should be.
As the minister who married by partner and I said, God loves everyone, all the time, not just when some people think it should. That woman rocks! No threat of suffering and hell, and all that other nonsense. Hence, my looking into her demonination for membership.