I will be your friend on the road whether you are briskly walking, pausing to consider other paths, or balking in the middle of it because you want to turn around. This is not a time for fear or angst, as God will be with you, whether you are in love with Him or not. He does have feelings, we know this from His days of leading those stubborn ingrates through the desert, but He isn’t fickle. He will stand by you.

Sometimes, Amanda, people are on such fire for something they believe that they actually burn. Without hiatus or retreat, the body and mind simply cannot keep up. Call them what you want — crises, rebellions, etc. — but use them to rest and recharge. You don’t have to take a vacation without God, you can take one with Him. He never forces Himself on us, so He’ll sit quietly while you relax, unwind, and just BE for a bit.

Blessings to you, my friend.

I almost agree with what Terry says. For me, it feels like I’m seeing you standing on a high ledge, and I’m scared that you’ll be hurt. The difference between me and Terry is: I can see your wings.

Take this as an opportunity to soar.

I am selfishly thrilled that your hiatus was short lived.

I’m also ecstatic and amazed that you have such a capacity for honest self-examination. It’s probably the biggest thing that draws me to your blog.

Do not ever be afraid to ask, to question, to examine, to alter the premise. We, your friends, are here to support your personal journey to self-knowledge, wherever that may lead.

Kisses to you

I do not have a whitty reply, only a wish for you for good shoes for your journey, a fresh supply of water and sustenance, and good friends at you side.

I would suggest doing as one earlier did, seek solitude. Something I try to do at least once a year is get into the mountains (something we have here in CO and not in the south I might add) and be as alone as you can. Do it for several days. Fast if you can, pray a lot, and let your mind go where it is obviously headed.

In the end you will find what you are seeking, or you will crash and burn. Either way Mandi Kaye will be stronger, and that strength comes from God, and him alone.

You are a contemplative Mandi, that is why I am drawn here a lot. You mull over thoughts and ideas until they make sense to you. Sometimes the bible does not make sense. I will pray for wisdom for you as you seek him out. May God supply the wisdom and sustenance you need to work through what you are desiring right now.

O.K., that was a little more than a “whitty reply” but I am happy for you, concerned for you, and really praying for you.

Thank you for sharing this incredibly intimate post. In your other posts on Christianity, while they have been very insightful, they didn’t reveal as much about you and your faith journey as this one.

I’ve been through quite a bit in finally identifying myself as a Christian AND in earnestly seeking a relationship with Him. It made me feel vulnerable and questioning, just as you are. It shattered my intellectual understanding of what it meant to be a Christian – and continues to do so.

Our lives as Christians are truly journeys, full of wonder, and joy, and doubt, and questioning. They key is to embrace the questioning and find some comfort standing in the tension that it creates.

“I don’t know what it is that you’re struggling with. I would guess that it might be a sense that you are missing out on something. Or maybe you have done something, or are contemplating doing something, that you know you shouldn’t, but you’re just tired of resisting it.”

I was at a similar point possibly where you are now. Will you continue this path you are/or will be on? Perhaps/Probably. There will be consequences but the Lord will never leave nor forsake you regardless. You may not want to hear that but God is relational and He’ll never leave you because He does love you.

Often times I returned to the Lord in simple obedience, I didn’t like the results of my disobedience. I didn’t return out of love, but I have had the mountains and valleys of this love relationship. The more I know Him the more I grow to love Him. But then sometimes life crashes in on me and that love has been ignored as other things caused me to doubt His love, doubting He really desired my best. You are on a journey and I do pray the best for you.

These days I see life as a journey, with me sometimes struggling through the weeds on the path, or veering off to pick flowers like Little Red Riding Hood, but God’s always there, holding out his hand, waiting to help me along through the rough ground. He doesn’t ask the impossible of me, and when I fail (as happens often) he forgives me, again and again.

Relationship is what matters, but (to me) relationship with God isn’t at all the same as a human relationship. There’s no physical aspect, of course, but there’s a much deeper ‘knowing’ inside out, and of course his perfect love and forgiveness.

I’m rambling… probably not making any sense, but wanted to say something. I do feel for you.

To add to that, I am an almost completely analytical/left-brained thinker. Whilst I take solice in the notion that love is not a feeling, but ‘a commitment of the will to the true good of the other.’, I still struggle with whether i have a good or close relationship with God.

One thing I find is that the more philosophical/left-brained reading and research I do, the less close I feel to God. I don’t think God made me, or anyone, to ignore the creative, emotional, right brain part of us. When I don’t have the balance of both, my spiritual life suffers.

Anyways, I don’t know whether this strictly relates to you, but our symptoms seem similar.

One thing to be careful of tho…if the Christian God exists, then he exists independent of our feelings. It may be that you, or Tasha or even I feel completely separated and apart from God, but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist.

If my wife and I ended up growing apart and she left me, I wouldn’t feel like I had a relationship with her, but she would still exist.

On the flip side, knowing God is more than an intellectual exercise. I could explain to you in great detail how my wife’s hugs feel, but until you met her and were hugged by her, you wouldn’t really ‘know’ what they felt like.

Anyways, I’ve rambled too long. Peace be with you on your journey.