All for Nothing
Posted by Amanda on June 21st, 2007 . Filed under: Personal .So that didn’t last very long.
I’m a day into my “hiatus,” and I just can’t stay away. Everytime I have a deep emotion or feeling, I want to immediately post it - and that’s happened a lot today.
I’m going through something, and I really don’t know how to put it into words.
A crisis of faith? Some would call it that, but I wouldn’t.
A rebellious phase? Perhaps.
What I do know is that I want something to change.
For my entire life, I’ve always done what’s expected of me - even where God is concerned. I know that there have been periods where my desire for God has been real, but I think that most of it has been me doing what I’m supposed to do.
And I’m tired of it.
Donald Miller said, “I began to wonder if becoming a Christian did not work more like falling in love than agreeing with a list of true principles.”
Well guess what? I’m not in love with God! Or Jesus, for that matter.
He also described me pretty well when he said, “I grew up believing a Christian didn’t have to love God or anybody else; he just had to believe some things and be willing to take a stand for the things he believed.”
That’s me. And I think I’ve done those pretty darn well. But it turns out that’s not what God wants from me. But do I really want to give God what He wants?
I’m seriously considering the apathetic agnostic path right now.
I want God to leave me alone and to be happy with me leaving Him alone.
These thoughts freak me out. If I walk away, how much will I lose? Friends? Family? Maybe. But is that really a reason to stay on the path I’m on when I know that it isn’t right? I’m not in this for the relationship, I’m in it for the validation.
That kind of makes everything about me…everything I’ve said…everything I’ve written…
worthless.
June 21st, 2007 at 4:34 pm
It took courage to post that. Thank you for sharing your innermost struggles with us. I’m praying for you - that God will reveal his lovliness to you, mostly.
June 21st, 2007 at 6:04 pm
It does take guts to write that honestly. Considering almost every post I’ve read of yours, though, I’m curious about how much of this capitulation is the result of you relating to Miller’s book. I’m not dismissing your current thinking in saying that, (ahh - maybe I am..) but if you’re honest enough to ask whether your love for God is real you have to leave open the possibility that the answer might be yes, too! It’s not a bad thing to ask yourself probing questions. If you find that you haven’t been honest with yourself, what have you got to lose?
I was just showing my wife your “Who is Mandi Kaye?” thing, and noticed how Maureen said you’re a seeker. If what you seek is deeper truth I bid you happy hunting, but personally I suggest both starting and ending at John 6:68. What’s in between is up to you.
June 21st, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Amanda,
I feel like you need someone to talk you down off the ledge right now. I’ll try to do that, knowing that my words may or may not hit their mark. Please know they are only meant to help.
You can walk away, but He’ll be following you. You see, God already knows where you’re at. There are no secrets from Him.
There is an important question that I think you should consider.
What do you really believe about God?
I don’t mean theoretically. I mean when He looks at you. How do you think He sees you?
What is it that you think He wants?
All He wants is you. That may seem daunting, to give yourself, and all that you are, to Him. Often, we think it means the loss of all we secretly want. We get tired of this demanding God who always wants to have His way.
But that view is born out of a misunderstnading of God’s character. Faith in God is good, but just believing in Him isn’t good enough, because if we only view Him as some cosmic overlord ordering us about, we will lose hope and strength. We secretly nurse resentments and wonder if He really cares about us…as individuals…not as one more little cog to put in His machinery.
You(I and anyone else)can never be satisfied with that sort of God. We can only find satisfaction if we have faith, not just in God, but in His goodness.
Anyone can believe in God. The measure of our faith is in what we believe about Him.
It might seem hollow to you right now, but God is good. He has no bad intentions for you. He doesn’t despise or dislike you. He is the father waiting for His prodigal son. He is the shepherd searching for His sheep. He is Jesus wanting to gather up the people as little chicks to keep them safe. He is the sustainer of our souls. He is the strength in our weakness. He is the Father that provides for His children.
I don’t know what it is that you’re struggling with. I would guess that it might be a sense that you are missing out on something. Or maybe you have done something, or are contemplating doing something, that you know you shouldn’t, but you’re just tired of resisting it.
I was there at one point in my life. I made some mistakes that I deeply regretted, while at the same time being a Christian. I was devastated….for a time.
When I had run through the choices that I made, I realized that the things I had chased not only weren’t what I wanted, but never could be what I wanted. I had bought the lie that what I was looking for was somewhere “out there.”
God still showed me His grace. He let me have my foolishness and learn the lessons I needed to learn. He was always there.
Take some time. Turn off the TV. Stop reading books…even Christian ones. Shut out the voices that are crowding your mental space. God’s not going anywhere. While you mull, pray and think, He’ll be waiting.
Don’t let fear shape your relationship with Him. Even when Jonah did his best to run and hide from God, he wasn’t repaid with wrath and anger. Instead, God showed him how He could be merciful to Ninevah. He showed Jonah His character, even if Jonah didn’t get it.
June 21st, 2007 at 8:31 pm
You know I am with you on this and this is one friend you wont loos whatever you choose.
I do have to say though, you are lucky to have friends that care about you like this.
One thing I wanted to say in our group tonight but couldn’t because it was from the wrong book was an illistration Brian Loritts shared about chewing tobacco. He had read and constently reminded himself of the statistics and dangers of it but couldn’t/didn’t want to give it up until it became personal to him. That is where you and I are at in this. Something needs to change and that something is a dictatorship into a relationship. The question is do we want that relationship or not? I still have not answered that question and am begining to doubt if there really is a God like the one in the bible. . .
June 21st, 2007 at 8:35 pm
I’ve read this post a few times, and each time I kept hearing the same thing: Carpe diem.
It seems to me like you’re in a holding pattern of sorts. Your hiatus, albeit brief, and this post are all pointing to you wanting to do SOMETHING. Whatever it is, go for it!
June 21st, 2007 at 8:54 pm
derifter - I get what you’re saying, but if I were really relating to Miller’s book, I would be seeking that actual relationship…and I’m not sure I want to.
Terri - Thank you. I get what you’re saying. I’m just not in a place where I can accept it right now.
Tasha - You and I are still clones! Thank you for being brave enough to say that about God…I’ve wanted to, but haven’t had the courage.
Musicguy - I don’t know what “it” is. I just know it’s not what I’m currently doing.
June 22nd, 2007 at 12:13 am
Hi Amanda,
I can really relate to what you are saying. I was raised in a Catholic church where the emphasis was on works, not relationship.
To add to that, I am an almost completely analytical/left-brained thinker. Whilst I take solice in the notion that love is not a feeling, but ‘a commitment of the will to the true good of the other.’, I still struggle with whether i have a good or close relationship with God.
One thing I find is that the more philosophical/left-brained reading and research I do, the less close I feel to God. I don’t think God made me, or anyone, to ignore the creative, emotional, right brain part of us. When I don’t have the balance of both, my spiritual life suffers.
Anyways, I don’t know whether this strictly relates to you, but our symptoms seem similar.
One thing to be careful of tho…if the Christian God exists, then he exists independent of our feelings. It may be that you, or Tasha or even I feel completely separated and apart from God, but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist.
If my wife and I ended up growing apart and she left me, I wouldn’t feel like I had a relationship with her, but she would still exist.
On the flip side, knowing God is more than an intellectual exercise. I could explain to you in great detail how my wife’s hugs feel, but until you met her and were hugged by her, you wouldn’t really ‘know’ what they felt like.
Anyways, I’ve rambled too long. Peace be with you on your journey.
June 22nd, 2007 at 5:04 am
What is it you think you’re ’supposed’ to do? I guess I grew up going along, mostly, with what was expected of me, but much of that was my parents’ expectations rather than God’s as such (they were/are believers so it wasn’t too different, I guess). I did have a few crisis points when I wasn’t sure whether I really did want to follow a path God seemed to be leading me… but in the end I always went along with him. i don’t know that I ever felt as if I ‘fell in love’ with him, either. That’s a useful analogy for some, particularly those who have a dramatic conversion, but I grew up thinking of God more like I thought of my dad - and that’s a perfectly valid scriptural picture.
These days I see life as a journey, with me sometimes struggling through the weeds on the path, or veering off to pick flowers like Little Red Riding Hood, but God’s always there, holding out his hand, waiting to help me along through the rough ground. He doesn’t ask the impossible of me, and when I fail (as happens often) he forgives me, again and again.
Relationship is what matters, but (to me) relationship with God isn’t at all the same as a human relationship. There’s no physical aspect, of course, but there’s a much deeper ‘knowing’ inside out, and of course his perfect love and forgiveness.
I’m rambling… probably not making any sense, but wanted to say something. I do feel for you.
June 22nd, 2007 at 9:47 am
Amanda, you have good friends here. Every reply is full of care, concern, and honesty. I personally understand this comment:
“I don’t know what it is that you’re struggling with. I would guess that it might be a sense that you are missing out on something. Or maybe you have done something, or are contemplating doing something, that you know you shouldn’t, but you’re just tired of resisting it.”
I was at a similar point possibly where you are now. Will you continue this path you are/or will be on? Perhaps/Probably. There will be consequences but the Lord will never leave nor forsake you regardless. You may not want to hear that but God is relational and He’ll never leave you because He does love you.
Often times I returned to the Lord in simple obedience, I didn’t like the results of my disobedience. I didn’t return out of love, but I have had the mountains and valleys of this love relationship. The more I know Him the more I grow to love Him. But then sometimes life crashes in on me and that love has been ignored as other things caused me to doubt His love, doubting He really desired my best. You are on a journey and I do pray the best for you.
June 22nd, 2007 at 10:50 am
Though I waited to chime in on your immigration debate, I have been reading you for a long time.
Thank you for sharing this incredibly intimate post. In your other posts on Christianity, while they have been very insightful, they didn’t reveal as much about you and your faith journey as this one.
I’ve been through quite a bit in finally identifying myself as a Christian AND in earnestly seeking a relationship with Him. It made me feel vulnerable and questioning, just as you are. It shattered my intellectual understanding of what it meant to be a Christian - and continues to do so.
Our lives as Christians are truly journeys, full of wonder, and joy, and doubt, and questioning. They key is to embrace the questioning and find some comfort standing in the tension that it creates.
June 22nd, 2007 at 4:01 pm
Mandi,
I do not have a whitty reply, only a wish for you for good shoes for your journey, a fresh supply of water and sustenance, and good friends at you side.
I would suggest doing as one earlier did, seek solitude. Something I try to do at least once a year is get into the mountains (something we have here in CO and not in the south I might add) and be as alone as you can. Do it for several days. Fast if you can, pray a lot, and let your mind go where it is obviously headed.
In the end you will find what you are seeking, or you will crash and burn. Either way Mandi Kaye will be stronger, and that strength comes from God, and him alone.
You are a contemplative Mandi, that is why I am drawn here a lot. You mull over thoughts and ideas until they make sense to you. Sometimes the bible does not make sense. I will pray for wisdom for you as you seek him out. May God supply the wisdom and sustenance you need to work through what you are desiring right now.
O.K., that was a little more than a “whitty reply” but I am happy for you, concerned for you, and really praying for you.
June 22nd, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Dear Amanda, dear sweet Amanda,
I am selfishly thrilled that your hiatus was short lived.
I’m also ecstatic and amazed that you have such a capacity for honest self-examination. It’s probably the biggest thing that draws me to your blog.
Do not ever be afraid to ask, to question, to examine, to alter the premise. We, your friends, are here to support your personal journey to self-knowledge, wherever that may lead.
Kisses to you
June 23rd, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Praying for you. You know that only until Monday I was in nearly the same predicament. No matter what, those who truly care about you will still love you. God bless you!
June 23rd, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Wow, I really did not expect this. Thanks for letting us see what’s going on in your heart.
I almost agree with what Terry says. For me, it feels like I’m seeing you standing on a high ledge, and I’m scared that you’ll be hurt. The difference between me and Terry is: I can see your wings.
Take this as an opportunity to soar.
June 23rd, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Hi, sweetheart. I’ll post this here and in our neighborhood.
I will be your friend on the road whether you are briskly walking, pausing to consider other paths, or balking in the middle of it because you want to turn around. This is not a time for fear or angst, as God will be with you, whether you are in love with Him or not. He does have feelings, we know this from His days of leading those stubborn ingrates through the desert, but He isn’t fickle. He will stand by you.
Sometimes, Amanda, people are on such fire for something they believe that they actually burn. Without hiatus or retreat, the body and mind simply cannot keep up. Call them what you want — crises, rebellions, etc. — but use them to rest and recharge. You don’t have to take a vacation without God, you can take one with Him. He never forces Himself on us, so He’ll sit quietly while you relax, unwind, and just BE for a bit.
Blessings to you, my friend.