I want to share with you the words of a dear dear friend who wrote to me in response to all of my turmoil from this past week. As I read her words today, my eyes welled up and I nearly broke down in my office. To feel such compassion and love from a single person is…overwhelming.
What, indeed, happened to Mandi Kaye?
Well, my sweet girl, I came in on the saga Monday afternoon. As I opened your site, I realized it had an all-new look since my last visit (I’m a once every 7-12 days blogger-checker) and thought, ‘how beautiful!’ I must tell Amanda how I love it. And then I started reading.
Now – don’t think this is going to be a bunch of condemnation because if it starts to feel like that – delete it immediately. I am asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the love with which I am writing this, but I am serious when I say: no condemnation. None. I hope you’ll resist enemy accusations as you read it, but if it doesn’t bring you life: STOP! DELETE!
I read. I went back to last Wednesday and read all posts and comments.
After I read, I bawled my eyes out. Wow, my sweet, I wanted to comment, but I knew nothing I could say (or rather would want to say) would be from reason or from the head and I feared the heart stuff would just sound stupid and cause you to be angry (fear of man person here, too!). After Bible College, where constant debate and arguments about meanings and phrasings and doctrines of the Bible (which always gave me stomach aches because deep down I believed God’s Word, the authority of His Word was to be life, to be like honey to my lips, and was to be like a refreshing washing of my mind and heart), I have pretty much refused to get caught up in debating my beliefs. Some think this is stupidity, and maybe it is, but when the will to win an argument rises up in me (and I won every debate I was ever in Jr High-college – I was a good arguer in my day), then the desire to be like Jesus-transformed into His image, taking on His attitude, wanes. I become angry and full of striving. So, I stay in peace. Or-if some people would rather: stupidity.
But as I read the responses and comments, I began to understand what was different in how I was feeling. People on both “sides” of the issue told you to figure it out, find your own way, whatever will be will be, it seemed. But in me, (please hear this for the love it really holds, Amanda), the mom in me rose up (the spiritual mom anointing), that kind of mothering that would take on a black bear to save her child, that would stand between a baby and an intruder and say, You’ll get my child over my dead body.” That is what I felt. Everyone else seemed content (and of course it is difficult to tell from blog comments, I don’t mean this as a judgment in any way) to watch you step off a cliff into darkness and death if that was your decision.
And the mom in me was rebuking an unseen, but very real enemy: YOU – DON’T – GET – THIS – GIRL! She is God’s. His name is written on her heart. She was paid for with the ultimate price because of her great value to her Father. She needed a Savior and she got one. While she was being formed in the womb, God was writing all the days of her life. He was knitting her together there. He was delighting in His creation. He made her to hang out with Him. He loves it when she comes to Him (He loves her presence). He has great plans for her, plans that will bless and change other people’s lives. He has her in training to help women in crisis right now. She has destiny in God. And, her life will leave an unending legacy of the glory of God and His power to use her yielded heart to the generations. You don’t get her.
I don’t mean to seem arrogant or haughty in spiritual things, but I just couldn’t get on the blog in the middle of all that confusion and people “fighting over you” and be sure my heart would be heard and not my “Christian label.” I won’t compete and fight over you or with you, but I will fight FOR you in prayer and bringing your name before Father. All I knew to do was pray. And I’m sorry to tell you – I prayed that His LOVE would not let you go. You said you wanted to be left alone, and I meant no disrespect, but I asked God to hold on to you with His LOVE.
None of this felt flip or unimportant to me, please know. And I would feel sickened if any of what I am saying right now caused you feel like – yeah – this is exactly what turns me off about Christianity. Please hear my heart, my sweet friend and daughter in the faith. I have seen in you a tiny glimpse of what God sees and I think you are a threat to the enemy. I really do. I think he would love nothing more than to send in confusion and fatigue and distraction because of the influence you have as a voice for your generation. It is not ok, in my heart, for you to turn aside from the faith and I pray that doubt will go and truth will bring great peace and clarity to you – not some emotional thing, not you giving an intellectual nod because you feel pressured by me or anyone else. God forbid. May you truly know that you know that you know. I am speaking this prophetically: Arise and shine, Mandi Kaye, for your Light has come and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you…darkness must go!
Girl, there is probably no one who has been more tormented over the state of the church and the distance between the holiness of God and the self-righteousness of His people more than I have (except perhaps God Himself). Oh – I have hated the hypocrisy. I have seen it done wrong in a gazillion different flavors, denominationally speaking. I was an abused Pentecostal preacher’s daughter. My dad would pray his head off over the people at church and beat me. Can you see how from the foundations of my existence I would have cause to run the other way? But – I needed a Savior and Jesus Christ did it – He saved me – not just from sin, but from certain death and from my self-destructive tendencies. When I get too far from Him, the enemy tries to cut off my life source, and has almost succeeded at times.
You may find it hard to believe, but I was once where you are. I once cursed God (BIGtime!) and said, “None of this crap is worth it” (this is the cleaned up version). I was the mother of 5 and a pastor’s wife to boot. It all seemed so senseless. Non-Christians seemed way happier because they had no rules and prospered anyway. But the love of God would not let me go. I cannot explain how I heard it or knew God was speaking, I just knew He was telling me “My love will not let you go.” And it didn’t seem overbearing or limiting. It felt protective and surrounding/energizing.
A short time later I read and understood Asaph’s Psalm 73: All I could see were the ungodly who were always at ease and increasing in riches. It was all too painful for me, until I got into Your presence…My heart had been grieved and my mind had been confused. I was foolish and arrogant. I was like a brute beast before You…but…whom have I in heaven but You? There is nothing on earth I desire more than You. My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my potion forever…”
There is a lot wrong with Christianity. I once felt it was my place to point it all out. I was ready to attack with a blog a couple of weeks ago on a topic that makes my blood boil (see my striving nature???) and the Lord told me, “Much of what you see and are alarmed by is good insight, but your motivation right now is so wrong. Right now – this is between you and me.” God tells the secrets of His heart to those who fear Him. I can’t point a finger when my motivations have no love. It starts in me. O, Lord, strike down pride in me…
In light of a lot of healing I have been going through concerning my past and an upcoming family reunion (God restores and heals, but every family meeting causes trepidation so that I don’t go back into bondage and fear and anguish) I read this: “Don’t remove the ancient landmark which your fathers have set.” Pr. 22.28 NKJV. The Message says it like this: “Don’t stealthily move back the boundary lines staked out long ago by your ancestors.” Digging through word meanings seems to indicate that we are possible talking behavioral boundaries as well as geographical. I happened across this verse the same day I was reading in Joshua about the people crossing the Jordan . The Lord told Joshua to instruct the leaders to take 12 stones (one for each tribe) and to build a memorial with them that night where they lodged. He said those stones were to be a sign among them – “when your children ask in times to come, ‘what do these stones mean?’ tell them” what God did. This is a memorial, a sign. It really hit me between the eyes because God isn’t asking every generation to tear down everything done before, He is asking us to build on what our fathers did (the right stuff they did – that pleased the Lord). We can always throw out the godless parts and the unholy, He is glad for that purification, but we must be ever-so-careful with His bride, not to try to destroy her. He loves His people – even the weird ones!
Being a Christian isn’t a set of good, moral guidelines. It’s death to ourselves to be like Jesus. He only asked that we give up everything to follow Him. Anything less makes us sick with dissatisfaction. Maybe you are just crying out to be who you were created to be, really be. Please know I surround you with my love in that. Please know that you got this e-mail because knowing your struggle has been keeping me up at night. My mother’s heart has held you fully these past couple of days, though I didn’t know if I had a right. I hope this has not been presumptuous and pain-causing, or seemed so. I have absolutely no condemnation in my heart toward you, but rather it is full of great regard and tenderness. Ups and downs, good times and bad – His love has never let me go. And I continue to pray that it won’t let you go, either.
My heart is pounding as I approach the send button, from one hopefully-recovering-people-pleaser to another with great love,
I’m turning comments off on this one because I couldn’t bear to see her words used in a debate between the two “sides.” I just wanted to share something that deeply touched me today.
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