Read some open letters to Legalism:

Dear Legalism,Thank you for making my life easier. Boy, do I owe you one. Had I never met you, I would have been forced to thoughtfully engage people and their opinions and beliefs at every turn. But after reading your book, How to Think and What to Say You Believe, I always seem to have an answer for them. What a great book!

I have been seeking ways to try and simplify my life, and what your book showed me was that I needed to instead simplify my mind.

And it was so affordable too! All it cost was a regular monthly installment of any independently formulated thought I might have for as long as I live. It’s practically free!

Just the other day this guy at my work invited me to go and share a beer with him. Before reading your book I would have been bogged down with worries like, “I’d better be careful and drink responsibly.” But thanks to your book I got to tell my friend that I would not share a beer with him because I am a Christian, and I didn’t want to suffer an eternity of damnation and torment in hell-fires with him. Then I smiled and said I loved him and would be praying for him.

Everyone knows that alcoholism is an ugly destructive force in our world. Your book goes so far as to say that everyone who drinks beer or whatever also likes alcoholism and thinks it is good, and wants their kids to become alcoholics and drive drunk too.

Thanks legalism.

Thanks to you, I know that all pleasures are off limits. Since raging, irresponsible indulgence in pleasure can be just as destructive as wildfire, you showed me that enjoying pleasure responsibly is still playing with fire, and would be just as destructive to society as using fire responsibly.

So does that mean that fire is evil too? The book only references fire as a destination for people who disagree with us. Oh well. I suppose I should condemn it just to be safe.

And last winter I stopped sleeping with my wife, because I know that people who enjoy sex support rapists and AIDS and pregnant teens and abortion and sex slaves and child pornography and all of that.

She divorced me, but that’s OK, because I still have you, and you keep me safe.

I don’t listen to music anymore, either. Now I only listen to Turning Point.

Also, I’ve had all my taste buds scraped off my tongue.

Ok, well, I just thought you’d be interested in how I was doing, and I hope you are proud of me. Thanks for everything, I really owe you one.

Love,

Ben

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Dear Legalism,

Sorry, I know it’s been a while since my last letter but I have some more questions for you.

You see, I’m a member of this church, right? And it’s a great church, and everybody there loves your book (or at least says so for fear of what might happen), and we scowl and hiss at people who do things you say are evil, and at people who don’t think like you tell us, or don’t vote like you tell us, or are just otherwise too different from the way you tell us to be.

But, the thing is, I recently won an argument (with your help, of course) against this guy who lives in my building, and all of his points were insane and didn’t make sense, and directly contradicted everything you told me to say I believe.

After the argument I asked him where he heard all those ridiculous ideas, and he said that he heard them in these four books called The Gospels of Jesus Christ, which is funny because that’s what you keep claiming to be based on.

So I started laughing and he left. But a few minutes later he came back with a copy of the Bible and opened up to those four books and started reading out of them and I saw pretty soon that they did, in fact, contradict most all of what you tell me.

I felt panic creeping over me, but then I got a good look at his Bible. Whereupon seeing that it was the wrong version, I knew at once he was a heretic, and scowled and hissed until he left again.

But the doubt had been planted and would not go away. Oh, dear sweet Legalism! This feeling of doubt was so new and frightening that, for the first time since reading your book, I wasn’t able to fall asleep that night. I wish I would have never allowed him to read out of that wretched book! I can see now why you warn us so emphatically about the fatal dangers of doubt.

In my torment I turned to my own Bible, one of an agreeable version, and began reading those four books. When I saw that the same passages existed in my own superior version as well, though they were phrased with far more exegetical sophistication. Once again, I started to panic.

So, with some serious misgivings, I went to church with my neighbor. Boy, was I surprised at what I found. The pastor preached straight out of those Gospel books, and everything he said made sense and was beautiful and profound, and he didn’t even once refer to your book, or accuse anyone of boiling in sulfur. It was the first worship service I had seen in a long time that didn’t end in at least one person gnashing their teeth.

Needless to say I was pretty confused when I left.

I guess what I’m getting at is that when I started reading the Gospels with an open mind, and actually listening to what Jesus said, things started to change. Now my parents scowl and hiss at me when I come over for dinner, my old friends won’t talk to me, everything I had devoted my life to began to crumble; namely, my devotion to you.

With that in mind, I am forwarding all the bills from my therapy and psychoanalysis sessions to you, and I would really appreciate it if you would cover them, since you are the one who makes Christians like me go voluntarily insane.

Also, I would really like my soul back.

Thanks for all the laughs!

Ben

I really don’t think I need to add anything to this. It speaks pretty well for itself.

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